The Bookstore

One thing about me, I rarely ever purchase texbooks for my courses. Today was one of those rare days where I had to admit that Google wasn't gonna be enough to get me through. So I decided to go to the university bookstore today ahead of it's normal closing time which was 7pm. It was quite a journey but my spaceship landed on that planet at 5.04pm. Upon preparing myself to go inside the portal to this ethereal dimension that people like me know so little about, I wrote down a short note for my loved ones just in case this was my last day and I got killed by the aliens inside. But my quest to attain the Golden Textbook of Shambalala came to a halt when I saw a noticeboard dating today placed outside the bookstore stating that it now closes at 5pm.


The bad news? I missed out by 4 Minutes. The good news? Nobody has to die trying to read my handwriting.

Jas Another Assignment

Wow I never fail to blow myself away with the amount of time I waste doing absolutely nothing in the middle of an assignment. Here's the usual process to the completion of my average 1500 essay that is due on any particular day:-


8pm night before - I have pressure to complete the assignment so I'm motivated to begin. I start reading the assignment's instructions, brainstorm quickly, and finally write my first sentence. At that point I call my parents and share the good news, OMGGG IT'SSS A GIRRRRLLLL!! After giving birth, I am released from the pregnancy room, become a great housewife and live happily ever after. Okay fine maybe that's not what happen, anyway back to the story. After writing down my first sentence, I realize that I need more research done so I surf the net and start Googling for assistance.


11pm night before - From a distance away, I hear a terrifyingly loud growl. I am startled by the noise, and become overwhelmed by paranoia. But mostly I am disgusted, disgusted for I can't believe my parents would keep such a secret from me in that all this time, they had been hiding a pride of lions and dinosaurs somewhere in my house. And to recall that fine day when they rejected my humble request to buy me a pony. I even made the puppydog face! Ohhh the nerve of some people, UGHHHH!!! But that was before I realized that the loud growl was coming from none other than my belly. Suddenly I'm out of my hypnotic state and look at the time. HOLYY GOLDEN MURUKU OF BOMBAYYY!! I FREAK OUT!! I can't believe I've been using Times New Roman instead of Ariel text for the time digits on my Windows startbar all this time. Oh an also because I've been on the net surfing all pages known to man for the past three hours, WTF? But then it all made sense, I wasn't hypnotized, I was in a coma. Anyway who can possibly do an assignment on an empty stomach, so I grab something to eat. While eating, I watch Youtube videos to help pass time and entertain myself.


12am on due day - I finish eating and put my plate away. I come back, put on a serious face and get to work. I know time is scarce and I consistently remind myself that my assignment is due today to prevent further distractions. One by one, everyone in my family starts going to bed. I am disappointed, how can everyone be so selfish? What happened to family? What happened to the moral support they were supposed to give me whilst simultaneously cheering me on all through the night by grabbing chairs and sitting next to me so we can get through this tough times together? It's a bitter feeling, but I take it like a man and continue my work. I am on a roll, I get approximately 300 words done. I am thirsty, my hard work deserves a reward so I get off my seat and grab some water. While gulping down that water, from the corner of my eyes I spot my Playstation 3, bored, cold, and alone, just like me. I sympathize the poor machine, I know how it feels to be abandoned by our loved ones. I decide to keep it company and play a few games for a while, just for a while.


4am on due day - I finish playing and start panicking. I quickly get back to my laptop and burst off faster than a rollerskating ostrich.


6am on due day - 700 words, I'm exhausted. It's been awhile, I should check Facebook and Twitter, might have a notification or message, could be urgent, someone might be dying, can't take the risk. Ahhh yes notifications, ohh, just replies to my birthday wishes on the day, nevermind. Back to work.


6.01am on due day - Stuck in assignment, lacking direction, stares blankly at paper. Without realizing, I suddenly go into deep thought about everything non-related to the assignment, from the creation of the universe, to how the cookie monster discovered his liking for cookies, to the great childhood memories I had beating up kids who stole my lollipop, to the what if''s (eg: what if I was a celebrity, what if I was born in India, etc), to the recalling of what song was I singing in the shower last night, to the I wonder who's using my deodorants behind my back.

7am on due day - I've not written a word. Assignment is due in a few hours, I rinse my face with water, drink something sweet for that added energy, get back to my seat for the umpteenth time, and go crazy, literally crazy. My body takes on autopilot, and every part of my body starts typing to help counter balance that lost time. My head, my fingers, my feet, my tongue, my heart (awwhhh so sweeeet<3), my hump, my hump my hump my hump,  whatcha' gonna do with all that junk, all that junk behind that trunk, Imma get get get you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump, my hump, my hump my hump my hump. 

Finished! I am done! I grab a piece of paper and express my true feelings so my parents can read them, and then run away from home, break into my neighbour's house and commit suicide jumping off their brand new sofa set from IKEA. Okay no I'm lying, I'm done the assignment, there's a high probability that there is an hour left before it's due. I wanna celebrate, I give a call to my buddies and we decide to go to Vegas. We purchase our plane ticket and take the first ride there. I get too drunk and fall asleep. I wake up 6000 years later with a bad hangover in the middle of a pyramid in Egypt. I see my buddies still sleeping from a distance way, they look like mummies. I freak out, I feared the worst, I proceeded to look at myself, the hair could use some gel, but DAYUMMMM I look good. I wake them up, we are all confused and lost, unable to recall anything that happened 6000 years earlier. We set out to find our way home and help me get my assignment to back my lecturer on time. You never know, 6000 years could just be the time difference between our time zones, I might still make it.

And that kids, was the inspiration behind the future movie, Hangover 3. True story.

The Fear

Does anyone else experience this? 

Everyone goes to bed, you stay up on your laptop or TV until the early hours in the morning all alone. And then when you finally decide to go to bed, you turn off all the lights downstairs and proceed to go upstairs, and as you take the first few steps, you feel as though you're being watched and that something is following you up. At that point, all kinds of disturbing thoughts engulf your mind and coincidentally they all end with you being casted on an unsolved episode of CSI Miami.

An anorexic whale flies past your window, you snap back to reality, and you suddenly realize that you're too young to die. So you increase your walk speed and start jogging up faster than an Olympic turtle on steroids. You reach the top and you list yourself as the 3100th person to have climbed Mount Everest. You can't let this momentous occasion slip, so you grab a microphone and begin giving a half hour speech; thanking everybody who supported and assisted you in this mammoth achievement; including your parents, who played a significant role by giving birth to such an awesome individual.

As you're placing the flag of your face on the summit of the staircase, you suddenly realize that the little sense of fear that you had earlier had disappeared, and that the invisible bastard who was following you couldn't keep up with your brilliant catwalking ability up the stairs. You find solace knowing that all that years and years of hardwork staying up and watching episode after episode of America's Next Top Model had finally paid off. You go to bed with a smile on your face, knowing that you will be getting a call the next morning from Obama to receive a Medal of Honour for saving the planet from eternal destruction, by saving yourself. For a good 5 seconds, you try imagining a planet without you, but before you can finish picturing the end of the world, Kanye West interrupts your thoughts and Chris Brown knocks you out.

Paranormal Activity

So I woke up today, brushed my teeth, and went downstairs. Then I realized that I left my phone upstairs, so I went back up. Upon reaching upstairs, I put some Colgate on my brush, and started brushing my teeth. As I was tirelessly brushing with style, quality, and excellence, I had this weird sensation in me as if I was being watched. Being a horror movie maniac who has just about sat through every horror movie; including Twilight and Hannah Montana; without flinching a single muscle, I was not fazed and brushed it off thinking that it's probably my body's way of telling me that it has been a day and I had to take a shit or something. So I turned around, faced my ass, and gave it a good pat saying "it's not time yet oh brave one, do not be impatient, when the time is right I shall summon you and RELEASE THE KRAKENNN!"

I continued brushing and I could see a small part of my gums were bleeding, then I recalled how my dentist told me that I always brush wrong, so I figured why not use the right method for once. His method was brilliant, I could see all that dirt stuck between my teeth falling off, as well as other stuff that I never knew were there such as, refrigerators, tv sets, a jumbo jet, a sledge hammer, a bunch of Nickelodean DVD's, as well as some lasers and ninjas and shit. I was almost finished with my brushing so I turned on the tap as I prepared to spit everything out, and TO MY HORROR!! WATER CAME OUT!!! There and then, from that paranormal phenomena, I knew something was not right, I knew I was indeed being watched. Then I recalled how my grandma once told me that when you turn on the tap and water comes out, it's actually the supernatural communicating with you and telling you that you have to drink more water as water is an essential part of our nutrition so that we can stay healthy and have a good life.

I was OFFENDED!! Nobody tells me what to do and how to live my life. That was it, that was my final straw, I had enough of this bullshit, I decided that once I was done with brushing my teeth, I would look up and call someone who is an expert in these matters; such as a medium or a priest; and tell him to buy for me more straws. So I ignored the warning signs and went back to gargling everything out. As I bent down to gargle my mouth, from the far corner of my eye I saw a black figure with bloodshot eyes staring at me. The feeling I had at that moment is indescribable, adrenalin rushed through my body faster than a speeding Ah Beng in a modified turbo Kancil. The hair at the back of my neck stood up, including the hair at the top of my hand, the hair at the top of my leg, my thighs, my forearm, my shoulders, my triceps, my biceps, my....Yeah yeah I'm hairy, I'm Punjabi remember??

So anyway where was I? Ahh yes, the hair in my body all stood up without even using Gatsby gel and I froze, I literally froze, I could not move a single muscle. So I did what anyone else in my position would do and pressed CTRL+ALT+DEL and restarted Windows. While waiting for my body to reboot, I realized what beautiful nails I had and started wondering why weren't I modeling for a nails magazine. My body had resumed, but I still did not want to turn and see what that figure was as the volume icon on my startbar hadn't show up so I still couldn't make any sound after seeing it. Not that I wanted to scream or anything, I was just worried that the figure might go downstairs and finish off the last readymate pizza in my freezer, and I wouldn't be able to call the cops and tell them that I ran out of pizza. So a good few seconds later, the icon finally showed up, and I could still see the figure staring at me from afar. I knew I was not prepared to live in fear of losing more pizzas for the rest of my life, so I braced myself, mustered enough courage, and turned around so I could face the figure. I looked it in the face, and there it was, I had found my black phone.

Then I remembered that brushing my teeth was not the reason I came up for. True story.

The Unknown

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Youtube and Google for always being there by my side when the bus seats are vacant, uhh, sorry I meant when problems arise. The latest complication occurred just a while ago as I was about to make Milo and was required to open a new can of condensed milk.

It was a dark and stormy night, a shadow of darkness had engulfed the everlasting skies, bringing upon a wave of gloom consuming everything but the lucent beam of the midnight moon. Then, hunger burned through faltering bridges of my belly, as it constantly cried for help, creating in me a sense of fear, an uneasiness that drove me on my conquest to search for food to put an end to this crippling fear for good.

So anyway I ran past the summer glades, crawled through the deep-shaded caves, climbed up the misty mountains, and arrived at a place so unfamiliar, it was almost alien-like I should say, the locals in my house called it a "kitchen". They say that even the toughest of men fail to survive there, as kitchens were usually haunted by female auras that would suck the masculinity out of men when entered. Story goes that there once lived a famous tribal warrior called Lukukuka who wanted to make a sandwich. Lukukuka was so brave that he went into the kitchen all by himself. He managed to make himself a sandwich, but just as he was about to eat it, the sandwich turned into a polka dot fire-breathing frog with chopsticks. Lukukuka survived the fire, but he was no match for the godly chopsticks.

Upon hearing this terrifying tale, I was more determined than ever to carry out this near-impossible conquest. That's right, I'm going into the kitchen, I'm the fuckin man yo. So I offered a prayer to the kitchen gods, asking for permission to enter the devil's lair, and received my approval through a letter from the Obama Administration. They sent me a Hello Kitty keychain too, what a bunch of nice lads don't you think?

So I manned up and started searching for a tool to assist me in my journey to Utopia, a tool stronger than the strongest toilet paper, faster than the fastest garden snail, and sharper than the sharpest eraser. A tool, like the "can-opener". In all my 21 years of breathing, I have never been required to use a can-opener, until now. For long periods, I struggled to figure out the ingenious physics behind this mystifying tool. The key to unlocking its hidden powers were well beyond my capabilities, so I called in my brother, hoping that he could solve the Can-inci Code to this ancient artifact. The outcome was as I expected, the intelligence in his bald head was no different to mine. We tried everything, even calling the fire brigade, but they were too busy doing less important stuff, like putting out fires and saving children from burning houses.

As a last resort, I turned to Google, which then linked me to a video on Youtube. Twenty seconds into the video and I realized that the sun was hot today; a rare phenomena. Anyway, after watching the video, I learned that you're not supposed to use a can-opener as you would with a sledgehammer. Ahhhh, that was the problem. So I immediately took the next flight to China to master the ancient Kung Fu art of can-opening. 33 years later, I returned with insane new skills, superior technique, and a bowl of noodles from Shanghai. On my first try, I managed to dent the can. On my second try, I double dented it. I knew I was getting there, it was only a matter of time. 64,578 tries later, I got it, the can was opened. It stood no chance, it was a victory, a victory for mankind. True story.

Note: This post is purely meant satirically, no feminism intended.

Tragedy

So everyone decided to leave me home alone with my nephew today. Hours passed by and it was all going good. But just then, heavens descended into the depths of hell and all hell broke loose as he bounced up the sofa faster than a snail on steroids and rushed towards the empty corner of the house, standing there in an awkward robotic dance stance; a stance that you would only see Robocop using when he had a sandwich stuck up his ass.

I became suspicious, so I walked towards him and asked him what was he doing. My suspicion grew as he told me he was "looking for something". That's right, looking for something in the most emptiest corner of the house where all you could hear was the sound of oxygen being swallowed into our Indian lungs, and all you could see was out the window, where a half naked bearded guy holding a grenade was running on the street chasing a pigeon while consistently shouting the name of Allah.

This was a serious case, and due to the reluctance of the suspect to comply in the investigation, I was constrained into calling the FBI(Federal Bowel-movement Investigation Unit). Upon further interrogation, the frustrated suspect finally gave in and told us the not-so-shocking truth. The truth that will change history, the truth that will make humans second-think everything in existence, the truth that will change the future of mankind, the dirty truth, that he needed to take a shit.

I was caught off-guard, never expecting this tragedy to happen without anyone to clean it up. At that point, my "Shit-in-the-pants senses" were tingling, and I knew the end was near, too near for my liking, not to mention chocolaty as well. At that point, all kinds of disturbing images flowed into my head and coincidentally they all started with his baby butt. So being the great, and caring uncle that I was, I carried him and placed him on the toilet seat hoping for the best, expecting the worst. Every second felt like an eternity as I anxiously waited something "magical" to happen, something like the Toothfairy getting fired from her job and finding a new career path in collecting crap instead of teeth.

Nope, that didn't happen. But what did happen was that my nephew came to a conclusion that his shit wasn't gonna come out. I told him to remained seated just to make sure, but he was convinced that it was a false alarm and told me in his own words "I don't think it's gonna come out." Those were without doubt the most relieving words of my life. I even recorded them words and burned it into an hour long DVD for our next family movie session despite having no picture to watch. I then handed out my original MP3 file to Jay-Z who used it as a beat for his next album hit "What The Shit", which ended up selling millions of copies worldwide. True story.

Embarassment

Everybody had an embarrassing moment in their life, a moment so precious, so valuable, that its better if it is just forgotten. Anyway, i just experienced one recently. It all begun when i received a funny text message.

It was from Andres Kokobroom; some bald elf-looking Djiboutian kid i met in ballet class last summer.......ahem, i mean my sister’s ballet class. Anyway we started hanging out and chilling together after learning that we shared the same interests and hobbies. Some of which were, Pokemon hunting, duck-lifting, punching Rihanna and interrupting Taylor Swift in various music awards. It wasn’t before long till we became best of friends. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to roll with a guy who sold Nachos, dressed like Spongebob, while holding a half-empty oxygen tank everytime he went to school.

So anyway, back to the text message. It just so happened that when i received the text message, i was in Miss Sushipasta’s French class. Yeah it seemed that both her parents named her after their favourite food types, and till today she accepts it. Infact, she adores her unique name so much that rumours say she once attempted to pay some film directors to name their movie after her. But then again, rumours also said that Jackie Chan was a 7-foot black man who sold Buritto’s at Taco Bell for a living. So i guess we cant put too much emphasis on rumours. Miss Sushipasta was nicknamed “The Predator”. No, not because she always finished her fellow colleagues lunch’s every single day, but because she always had an eye on students during her lectures, looking out if everyone was paying attention, poaching on every opportunity she gets to set an example out of everyone. Psychics call it “the third eye”, but i believe psychics are hypocrites. If they ever took physics, they would calculate the zero-error involved, which will basically make Miss Sushipasta have 3.142 eyes. Wuhooo, i knew i should’ve taken rocket science, come get me NASA.

So i opened the text message. Kokobroom wrote that he was actually a three-headed alien robotic platypus who came to earth, seeking to destroy all traces of earthlings and conquer our planet to play ping pong with Optimus Prime on Valentine’s day. I started bursting out in laughter almost immediately after reading the message. Then i turned around and looked up, everyone was giving me the “you’re so retarded, if they ever replaced Barney, it would be you” look. Silence, that’s all there was; not a single sound could be heard. Well, that is apart from Miley Cyrus who was performing live 7000 miles away in Japan. Just imagine the pollution contributing to global warming everytime she opened her mouth. Where is the World Health Organization when you need them?

Anyway, upon hearing my laughter, Miss Sushipasta summoned me to stand up and come upfront to the class. She asked me to tell the class what was so funny about her lecture. I remained silent. Then she told me to hand over the cell phone and go to the principles office. Before i left, i was going to make sure i was going to leave with style, quality and excellence. As i walked towards the door, i took a final look back at my “legacy” and flipped my hair to the back as if i was in a hair shampoo commercial for noobs. I started feeling the vibes, i felt like a celebrity, i literally felt i could float in the air like a tissue roll. Ermm, or something like that. KABOOOOSH!!! That was my head hitting the door, i was too distracted by my “fame” that my head accidentally hit the door on my way out, bringing me back down to earth. There it went, my moment of greatness. After i recovered, I immediately zoomed out of the class faster than Vin Diesel driving a 5-year-old secondhand rusty Caravan from Ebay...

You really wanna know?

So, if you have been paying attention to Facebook recently. Some people have been posting lame shit like a pic asking "If i were to die tomorrow what would you say to me today?" Like the pic above. Seriously, has the world run out of questions to ask? Or are the lives of the people who post this shit really sad, and that they are just attention deprived? Anyway, simply because I have nothing to write on and also because i get an opportunity to take a swipe on these losers, im going to share things i would probably say if someone ever asked me this question...



1) I slept with ur boyfriend last night. Don’t worry, after your gone i promise i’ll take good care of him...:)

2) Don’t worry you're in safe hands, i heard god is “pro-condom”. Well, at least thats what my ancestors said. But then again, they also said that Jackie Chan was a 7-foot black man who sold chicken wings in Taco Bell for a living...

3) According to suicide statistics, Monday is the favored day for self-destruction...

4) Did you know? The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache...

5) Remember ur doctor, Mr. Ramanamanaidu Vellusamy? Yeah i spoke to him....erm, it seems that when he told you that you had 4 more months, he was actually speaking of the time you had left to pay the bill before he called some transexual guys to beat the shit outta you............on the bed of course...

6) Uhmm, i duno how to say this, but i was at ur house just now. I sorta lighted a match and ur house blew up :S....But heyyy, u were going to die anyway, might as well take ur house with you. You know, since robberies are on a rise and all...

7) Hey look at the bright side, you're not gonna die today. Wuhooo lets celebrate!! Let’s go to my friends place for a drink. He was just released from prison today after spending 12 years in prison for killing a guy who was was planning to die the day after he actually got manslaughtered. Im pretty sure he still has the corpse, maybe you guys can share some stories...

8) Dear ____, i always had feelings for you. You are a living part of me. I need you like heart needs a beat, like a leg needs a feet, like fly needs a piece of shit. Anyway could you sign these papers, it says here that after u die, you agree that i get to keep the money from your insurance company...

9) Alright man, wadeva, catch you later...ciao...

10) OHEMGEE! Ur dying? Awwhh don't worry about it, i heard McDonald's charge at a lower rate if you're "out of this world"...

11) Cool, send my regards to MJ and Heath Ledger, also tell them to check their inbox, i sent them a mail cause Facebook was on server maintainance...

12) Man your life is pathetic, the first and only chick you ever banged, turned out to be a Vietnamese hooker with AIDS. Looks like she spread to you more than just some “love”...

13) With that face? Its a miracle you’re only dying after 21 years...

14) So you are planning to commit suicide because you drank too much, hatched the wrong egg, and made a 350-pound girl pregnant on a one night stand? And now her parents wants you to marry her? Maybe you should have stopped buying “merchandise” from the sperm bank when i told you so...

15) Don’t worry, i’ll tell the papers that you want the “sports” section. Yes yes, size 12, Times New Roman, MLA format....i know! FUCK OFF!

16) So smoking finally caught up with you eh? I couldn’t care less, just don’t leave ur cigarette ends on the floor, the cockroaches may die of cancer. The last thing we want is the mortality rate of innocent cockroaches to be on the rise...

New Year's Resolutions

I noe i noe, u guys must be really shocked. I mean 2 posts in one day? Nowonder the United States of America has a black president. Hold ur horses little ones, the reason im doing this is because I just thought by making another post today, it would keep u guys busy and entertained till 2012, my next post. So anyway, i know its kinda late for this, but u noe since a bunch of my peeps have asked me for this and also i kinda got tired of writing the same shit over and over, i thought i just post it in this blog, where no one reads.....u see wad i mean?

So here we go, my top resolutions for 2010, (honestly, deep inside, i noe u dun give a shit, ur just bored so ur reading this, welcome to the club) the year of the Pikachu....

1) To gain a few pounds so people can distinguish between me and a flagpole.
-Most celebrities have look a likes, for example, my neighbour, my maid and my dog. On the other hand, my look alike is...yes, a flag pole. Geez, and u thought ur life was sad...

2) Speak 50 different languages, im almost there, i can speak 6 already.
-In almost 20 years of life, i have learned to speak Punjabi, Chinese, Malay, Hindi, English and Crap-anese. So that means, if i dun die at 30 with a broken penis, i prolly still have 60 more years to learn Spanish, Italian, French, German, Djiboutianese, Taiwanese, Japanese, Yourmum-ese, Pokemonian, and etc. One language that has always caught my eye, is "Sean-Paul-ish", nope...not Jamaican, Sean-Paul-ish. That guy had so many top 10 songs, and every single one of em, i have no fucking idea wtf is he saying (Im pretty sure im not the oni one).....I oni listen to it because the song sounds really cool, everytime i try to focus on the lyrics, it sounds like something Miley Cyrus would say when she's munching Wang Wang (that overrated and hyped up Chinese biscuit that is believed to give u divine powers after every bite) while doing karaoke. No actually on second thought, i dun even think the Wang Wang is necessary, just give her the mic and u'll noe wad i mean...

3) Undergo sex change repeatedly to confuse the government......and myself...
-No comments...

4) Work out in the gym, building on my "Gunz & Roses" (my twig-like biceps)
-You see, i have come to a sudden realization that "The Rolling Stones" at the lower half of my body are larger than my biceps. And i believe its a time for rebellion, a time for revolution, a time for change. I have a dream.....all black people of the United Sta.....no seriously, i had a dream, that one day, all fag-like humans will come to terms with their "assets" and try to find a balance between their biceps (the chick magnet) and balls (the real chick magnet).

5) Quit drinking
-As many of you have already known, plain water kills brain cells and has various other side effects. So stay away from that shit or it could end ur life at an early age. Just look at how some people who died from this cause, Thomas Jefferson, Heath ledger and Sadam Hussein are just a few of the casualties. So stay away from dat shit, dun say i didn't warn u...

6) Quit doing drugs
-Hey my case is not so severe and chronic like most people, all i smoked was Pot, Crack, Heroin, Ice, Shroom, Weed, Speed, Coke, Steroids, Talwin, Khat, Hasish, Morphine, Benzocaine, Amphytomine, Peyote and Acid. Yeah but u see, ive stopped, ive been clean for quite some time now. I've not touched a single pill in the last 4 minutes...

7) Stop bullshitting and be more serious in life...
-Hmmm, ermmm........nah, ill pass this one...

8) Conserve more water.
-In this modern era, the exponential growth of mankind has led to an abundant consumption of water. We all noe water is a source of renewable energy, but its gonna run out one day. The question is not "Is water ever gonna run out?", but its "when?" Its oni about time. To help save water, I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible, drink 8 glasses of my own saliva instead of drinking water, pea on my car...its just as effective, Use my neighbours water supply by connecting a drain pipe on his water tank when he's sleeping, and of course i will buy more Kung Fu DVD's, so i can learn the art of mastering a superpower. I mean if chinaman can fly, shoot poison needles, produce tornadoes, and fire hadoukens (better knowns as abugeh)....im sure creating water shouldnt be much of a problem...

9) Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.
-Lets just say the moral of the story was, "Dun ever slap the judge in his face after peeing on him"......all i can say is, 62 years gonna be a long time. Especially without a parole...

10) I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet.
-This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I could never afford a clock. I come from a poor family, we suffered alot of hardship growing up. My dad drove an ugly 2 door car called Ferrari, while my mum painted herself black daily and renamed herself Oprah. I watched tv for the first time when i was 16. I married 4 women by 28 and produced a cricket team hoping to earn some quick cash cultivating the farms, but to no avail. So the next time u guys see me, have some sympathy and "donate" me some much needed cash, all donations are much appreciated. After all, remember the good times? *empty flashback*

11) NOT interrupt Taylor Swift if she is making an acceptance speech at a music awards.
-I cant make any promises, and i certainly won't make any promises. But i promise i'll try.

12) To avoid having 8 kids just to get a reality TV show.
-Err, anyone have a big trash can? I got some "stuff" to throw out...

13) See Michael Jackson live in concert. What? He died? How come there was no media coverage?
-OMG, i just found out :O....my condolences, RIP MJ, RIP...

14) Learn to speak Russian in French...
-The day u discover such a thing, be sure to let me noe...

That's all i got....peace.

Beer Is Not The Answer

Yesterday, i went to a club for the first time since i was 7 and got kicked out of the chess club for playing Tic-Tac-Toe on the chessboard. So anyway, the reason i went there was to conduct a survey on the number of homosexuals that have unprotected sex in the club toilet on special occasions (it was 11 months after Chinese New Year, had to do something with Feng Shui), it was for my Social Science project. Okay fine, i was just curious what do homo's do for pastime, maybe i could pick up a trick or two.

So anyway, as i made my way through the harsh conditions and treacherous terrains ("chicks" with dicks).....i met a few of my mates. (i figured the type of friends i have would explain the reason im gay).........So they invited me to have a seat and drink a few bottles of beer. I got petrified!! No, not because i was afraid they would spike my drink and rape me afterwards, but because im against killing animals.

What??? You guys didn't noe too?? Okay fine, lemme explain.....you see, when animals are killed by terrorists such as the Al-Qaeda, Al-Kaboom and Al-youdoissitathomeandwatchtv....they are sent to Vietnamese (they were born specialized in this field) butchers to chop their meat into confetti, okay maybe slightly bigger. Anyway, then, the meat is sent to frustrated emo people who hate their pathetic lives willing to do almost anything against religion to gain happiness for themselves while disappointing others, to squeeze the juice outta the meat (psychologists recommended this to reduce the numbers of slit wrists suicides to help promote a more creative and yet innovative way to hate yourself) Finally, the juice is sent to farmers to add in some cheap rejected fertilizers to give it its taste. And WALAAA!! Thats how u get beer. This is no joke, i read it on "www.thisisajokeforfuckssakegogetafuckinglife.com/?v=feed&story_fbid=231973541887"

If u still dun believe me, ill give u a few examples of beers:

Tiger Beer-Now why would beer, be named after a tiger? Think about it...

Anchor Beer-An anchor is used on a wad? A ship, and a ship used on a wad? The sea....and the sea has wad? Animals.....duhhh?

Heineken-Rhymes with chicken...

Guiness Stout-Tyrannosaurus Rex.....Guiness Stout......Tyrannosaurus Rex....see the resemblance? No? Okay try this....put up ur left hand and have a good look at it. Okay....now put ur right hand up and slap ur parents faces for me for giving birth to such useless children, i mean it, okay i was just kidding, but if ur curious, go ahead and do it with style quality and excellence. Okay so as i was saying, look at ur left hand, then look at ur right hand.....see wad i mean? Its all simple fundamentals of "look-at-ur-left-hand-then-look-at-ur-right-hand-onology"

Carlsberg-Two reasons:
1) Carlsberg is a branch from Burger King, and we all noe what Burger King have.....no seriously, what do they have? Ive not been there in quite a while. If anyone knows please email me at JassuDoggIsFly@hotmail.com....
2) Jackie Chan's father's name was Doucheberg Vallentino Chan......and he's Chinese, which explains alot really.....its a known fact that Chinese eat everything.

Singha Beer-Singha Beer is a Thai beer made for people who are too poor and too cheap to spend for quality beer as its made from the most softest of animals so its usua.....WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! Nowonder my kind (singh's) are on a brink of extinction from the face of this planet. Animals eh, wow.....our social hierarchy must have really dropped.

I gotta go, looks like the Thai people have some explaining to do....

Kenaydah: The Beginning

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Chicken - Halo parody

Remember those flies we killed
Well mummy they are fat and round
And they didn't even put up a fight
Because they didn even weigh a pound
I found a way to eat a shrimp
But ...I never really had a mouth
In fact i think ill have a chip
With some chili sauce now

Every morning i awaken
I have my eggs and chicken
And I know how it's tasten
It's tasting like breakfast now

Im put on a happy face
Every time im eating out
Mummy i can see my chicken
I guess i have to open my mouth
It's everything I'll eat and more
It's written all over the plate
Mummy i will eat my chicken
Pray it won't burn away

I wanna eat my chicken, chicken....chicken
I wanna eat my chicken, chicken....chicken
I wanna eat my chicken, chicken....chicken
I wanna eat my chicken, chicken....chicken

AngeR

A week ago when i went back to The City That Never Sleeps to take my driving test.....for the 3rd time. (only pro's reach 3) Everybody told me that the third time's the "harm". Therefore i was all out in proving everybody wrong by showing them my capability. This time, i maked sure that there were no holes or gaps in my effort to "victory". I went to a Feng Shui master that came down from China to pay a visit to the Chinese-people's Unused-organs Muzium (aka CUM) to check the condition of the kidney that he donated 75 years ago. Anyway, as i was saying, i asked him for some help and tips on passing my exam, and so he gave me 3 things to do....

The first thing he wanted me to do was to add the sum of all the age of my family members and relatives all around the world and divide the answer by the number of "pink blood cells" in my body (I had to check with Muhammad Pinky bin Muhammad Pinkypinky, refer to previous post) Then, get an empty table, place 6 tomatoes on the table and count how many tomatoes are there altogether. (This was a tough one because I kept loosing count after 2) And so after the help of a "Perodua calculator", i obtained the answer 9........and so i asked him what was the reason of carrying out the first method of calculating age/ pink blood cells........he told me it was to protect me from the eyes of evil baboons that wanted to live peacefully without the disruption of their natural habitat (Inti College)...

The second thing was much more simpler, he told me that when i go for the exam, i should cut off one third of my jeans and expose my unsmooth, hairy and unsilky legs of mine to the officer in charge so he gets "distracted". He also told me to use the shampoo "Leg and Shoulders" to help maintain the "power, precision, accuracy, consistency, wisdom, intellectual, intelligence, strength, dextility and agility" of the leg which was number one FHM (Fucking Hairy Monster) magazine's Top 10 legs in the world.

The third and final thing he asked me to do was to go meet his close friend, who was supposedly a local bomoh. I told him about all the hype that was going around the media regarding bomoh's and that i was scared of getting raped, he quicky discouraged my thought and corrected my mistake about bomoh's. He added that the real reason people go visit bomoh's was to BOrrow MOney Honey (BOMOH) Since there was alotta charges involved as i had to pay the flight charge, service charge, exam charge and "Nokia Charger", i decided to listen to his advice.

So it was the day of my exam, and i carried out every single thing the chinaman told me....and still i FAILED...It was so obvious that the malay officer in duty of deciding whether i pass or fail was racist, all i did was show him the "No-Hand-Trick" as i was on the phone with my African pen-pal named Nakunda, and at the same time consistently taking Twisties from the packet the officer was holding that was bought from "Guinness SDN.BHD." There was no reason for him to fail me, he was definately bias in race as he knew no malay fellow could do what i did, because it required style, quality and excellence......BTW did i mention that i knocked two people down along the way...

So after i came out of the vehicle, sad and depressed, i took a seat while waiting for the people to confirm my failure......in that time, i met this 6 foot 5 inches, 400 pound, tiger ahem... i mean "thai girl". It turned out that she passed because when she sat in the Kancil, the car "couldnt move".......they concluded that it was the gear problem and passed her automatically.......although the Kancil was "manual". So i told her the reason of my failure, and suddenly her face expression completely changed. She looked like she wanted to eat.....but i had "No-Eye-Deer"........She demanded and asked me why didnt i performed the "capati chop" to the officer.......and that i should have killed that sucker.

I peacefully explained to her the reason of me not reacting. I explained to her Newton's Third Law which says "every action has an equal and opposite reaction". So if i capati chopped that dude, one less capati would remain in the world, therefore increasing the capati mortality rate of Malaysia, potentially leading to a deflation in economy. Another reason was because i had quit fighting after Middle School. I used to be part of a gang called "Cicak Hitam". Our gang was so renowned for our beating that even Tuvalu gained independence....informally. (By watching the independence day celebration of USA on TV) Anyway, our gang did not whack the shit outta people, nono dun misunderstand, we only operated in whooping the candy asses of chicken buttz because the Bird Flu lost out on the epidemic disease ranking to the Swine Flu, better known as H1N1. I was the leader of the pack, the "alpha male", so much so that i was called "Taugeh" (because of the similarities shared between the vege and me)

So after we finished breaking chicken bones, sucking ice-cream cones, imagining sex and checking the "POKEdex", the Malaysian government introduced the "Malaysian Chicken Right Act 1997" to prevent anymore chickens from being "gang-raped". The law was so strict that it carried a penalty of studying one hour a day, which was Crucifixion in my terms, it was torturous. Because of that harsh penalty, all of us in the gang decided to take a break and find something else to do......It was not as easy as we first thought as it was an addiction.

Then one day, as i was sitting on my "Thinking Chair" (Blues Clues), something hit me, no seriously..something hit me.....i only managed to glance at it, and i thought it was a Boeng 747, I'm not really sure because it was too "small" to be seen....After it knocked my head conscious, i figured something out......why break bones and get tired of it when i can just do it while relax-singh, by eating ready-made, packed and defrosted chickens.

Because of my addiction, my father got worried as well. And so "my father wants to make me go to rehab and i say no no no"..........Just when i thought id con"vince-carter"ed my dad, my mum forced me to change my mind, she threatened to use the 15cm plastic ruler and beat me up, i was terrified and so i agreed. "I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end it didn even matter." So i registered my self into that shit hole hoping it will have some affect on me. One day as i was learning how to cook mutton curry, i met "Cookie Monster" from Sesame Street, who was well knowned for his anger management problems as well. He made the cookies and i made the curry, together we invented "Cookie Curry". Which was the lyrics of Britney Spears hit single "Circus"........................"Theres only two types of curries in the world, ones that are cookies and the other are girls"

So after a looong six hours in rehab, i figured i was ready to face the world, as a new and improved man, "The Rehab-er" (Coming Soon, in theatres near you). So now I'm the patient man that i am, which explained why am i always so chilled and relaxed. I explained to her everything from A to Z until we didn realise that 4 days 5 nights had passed before us. Finally she asked me how can she control her anger and emotions, i just told her to purchase a Play Station 3 controller, available at any mamak stall around the country.

Signing Off......

LosT

I’m writing this after returning from a death defying event that took place today, I went back to The City That Never Sleeps on a one day trip. On my way back here, I bought a ticket on a “Luxury Cruise” from JB to Subang. The reason I didn’t take a rocket was simply because
1) Its Tom Cruise not Tom Rocket (Nothing related to my topic)
2) It was Earth Day; we are supposed to use the stuff INSIDE earth (“Michael Earth’s” real reason to create Earth Day). Rockets are usually outside of earth, so we are encouraged to use up the earth’s resources as much as possible on this day.

So as i was saying, there were quite a huge number of people in the ship, apart from the captain, who was a 4-year-old boy that was allowed to take over his father’s job for a day because his father was “entertaining some clients”, there was me.... and a black Mauritanian guy who took a breather from serving bah kut teh at a strip club to the elephant seals that took vacation from their stressful lives in California after being forced to watch "The OC" from the newly launched 150'' plasma screen Panasonic TV which was given to them by their village head (a head of a dead seal) because of presumed good behaviour.......

Half way into the trip and everything was going perfectly as planned, the captain died of “old age”, the ship hit an iceberg and broke into half (nono, an iceberg in Malaysia doesn’t prove that climate change is occurring, rather this was caused by “urbanization”, modern technology has allowed even icebergs to have wheels to travel on their own), and a huge thunderstorm started to fall, causing only the half of the ship that we were in to burn (the rain was racist) with “style”, “quality”, and ‘’excellence.”

We had no choice but to jump down into the dark, freezing and gloomy ocean, we just swam randomly as we were pretty much lost for directions,.......As we went on swimming, we saw 2 patrolling policemen just a few feet ahead of us, they asked us if we wanted a ride, the black dude took our bags of basic survival kits and slammed it across their faces, they couldn’t actually see the black guy, so all they could see was floating objects hitting them, they zoomed away in horror......why didn’t we ask for their help u ask? Well the answer is simple; they were “Malaysian Officers”....so there was a humongous probability that they were more lost than we were.

As we went on swimming, we saw a large fin just above the water level, we wasn’t sure what it really was, at first we thought it was a shark but we then thought rationally that there is a possibility that it could be a goldfish wearing a shark costume from “Topman”....the next thing I knew was that the fish pulled the Mauritanian guy underwater and ate him alive (not really eat him alive, I meant the shark ate him while he was listening to the POD song “alive” when he was actually dead after seeing “The Fin”-Latest movie that’s going to hit popcorn stalls near u)

Judging from the fish’s jumping height, hundreds of its razor sharp teeth, its greyish-blue body and its 30 foot long body; it could not possibly be a shark, so I concluded that it was a goldfish. After walloping the black dude, the “goldfish” started to chase after me, I knew I could outrun it that’s why I decided not to run because “it wouldn’t be a challenge”, so I decided to do the next best thing, I took out the chocolate-flavoured Oreo biscuit that was sacredly kept inside the locket that was given to me by my mother when I was young. So as the fish opened its hygienic mouth (smelled of Listerine), I threw the Oreo biscuit and observed the magic.....almost immediately, I could see the effects of the biscuit, it became so tame that it wouldn’t even hurt an ant (most probably because an ant lives outside of the sea)....so I named the goldfish “PINKY” simply because it wasn’t pink (great reason to give your child this name), I hitched a ride on Pinkie (I decided to change its name because when i called up the immigration office they told me the name Pinky was used by some Malay guy called “Muhammad Pinky bin Muhammad Pinkypinky”)

So, a few minutes later we approached an abandon island called “Is (not) land” – My Indian friend “India Jones” told me so, Pinkie dropped me there before disappearing into a giant whirlpool that “spinned its head right round right round, when its going down, when its going down down.” I decided to explore the island so I headed into the deep forests through the bushes. As I fatigue-ly made my way to the treacherous terrains and harsh conditions while breaking branches and long leafs using a butter knife, I became hungry as the knife reminded me of food. So I decided to stop by one of those McDonald “walk-through” outlets, I placed my order and started eating as soon as i got my food. I sat with 2 guys, one named J.W.W Birch and the other was called Maharaja Lela, it seemed they were both renowned in Malaysian history and that they both were presumed dead a long time ago. I asked them why didn’t they want to show their face, the replied “Stupid Malaysian’s made up their own stories about us, leaving us both embarrassed and insulted” Lela went on, “In Malaysian books, they wrote about how evil and cruel was Birch, but the fact of the matter is, Birch was only sadistic, all he wanted was to see others suffer, he did not ask much.” Birch followed on “And Lela was celebrated for killing me when I was taking a shower, how can people celebrate when it makes Lela feel like such a coward and a pussy.” So after i nearly died out of boredom from listening to these 200 year old, old hags, I ate and moved on to eat another day, or hour......

Hours passed and I finally made it out on the other side of the forest, and almost immediately I was faced with another problem, I was attacked by a carnivorous and lethal flesh-eating butterfly. Fortunately I had my butter knife and French toast to match its butter spitting ability, so I could spread the butter on the toast and eat it later. After 2 hours of battle, the number of butterflies doubled.....it got out of hand for me, there was just too many.....so I had no choice but to run. I kept on running until I ran into a tribe called the “Kukukaka tribe” (Story goes that the named originated when a boy was hit on the head by an arrow, literally, so he had a bruise and walllaaaa!!) So anyway, these tribal people came to my aid and used their 15-foot tongues to suck the butterflies until they were all gone (there were only 2) I thanked them for their help and I think they said I was welcomed (all they did was roll their tongue and made funny noises that are usually made by monkeys....just in time one of them stepped forward and interpreted each and every word for me, he claimed to be a Harvard graduate and showed me his PhD in Medicine....So he explained to me in English about his tribe, it seemed that their god or goddess is some fat women called Queen Latifah (never heard of her), they have posters of her all around their location, yes including the toilet bowls (the place where I got my haircut from)

I told them that I was tired and I needed to a place to stay for a day, I ask them where would be a good place to set camp...they told me that there was a FREE-FOR-ALL hotel just 10 meters ahead.....so when I reached the hotel I set camp right beside of it (-.-)......I woke up the following day and to my goodwill and luck, I met the famous legend and wrestler “Jimmy Snuka Superfly”, the fly words said it all, I took some diesel oil and stuffed it into his mouth, i sat on him and slapped his face until we started flying............we went on all the way until we reached Subang (use SHELL V-POWER for best results)....and here I am now telling you’ll what happened..... Boredom Kills.......

Signing Off......

AlienS

Last night....the most unbelievable thing happened to me (yes yes even more unbelievable than the time i made a joke and no one laughed).......i was abducted.....but i was not abducted by just some random nasi lemak seller or some Arabian mechanic who found out that the reason his child ran away from home was not because of the DEC 26 Tsunami, rather it was because he used cowdung mixed with chocolate syrup as his underarm spray as he was prejudiced against most sprays especially after the "Gatsby mohawk commercial"........i was abducted by ALIENS......

After hearing this, I know most of you'll would be full of tears and thinking in your heads "Owh why god? Why...didn't you take me instead of Jas.....why can't you leave that poor soul alone after all he's been through"...........all wishing at this moment that I'm safe and sound especially after you'll heard over the news about "How it was alien orangutans fault not Osama Bin Laden's fault of crashing the planes into the World Trade Center on 9-11" and also "Obama is a hyper-mutated alien that has been created for a mission to act like he cares about The United States Of America when the main priority is to make the USA a beer producing source to COLGATE (name of the alien planet as Mars was too commonly known as the name of a chocolate)"

Well if this is how you think about aliens then I'm here NOT to correct you.......aliens are the 3rd most "understood" beings in the universe only after SASH-quatch's and Siberian Unicorns.......anyway lemme tell you'll my "much awaited" story first....

It was a dark and windy night, the storm was "thunder-ous" and the rain was falling like "bats and cows".....i was "carrying out research" on the three hundred thousand different types of "stoning" postures........then out of the blue i heard a loud THUMP above my head and started to feel raindrops on my skin.......the hair (on my arms and legs) was soaking wet.....and stylish....so i took advantage of the opportunity and used my cheap hand phone to grab a picture of myself and posted it on the "Pantene" and "Rejoice" website as they were looking for "female" hair models and they don't come harrier than King Kong himself......

So after that i looked up and saw this "gigantic flying sausage" a.k.a UFO (Unsuckable Flying Object).......its was a rare scene, it only occurs once in a "purple" moon (blue is rare, but purple is....), It even had my picture on top of it........this was one of the two reason that made me think that my dad had bought me an "imported car" for me......the other reason was that my birthday had just passed (3 months ago)........so i jumped in joy and excitement.....i later found out that my jumping was the cause of the 6.5 magnitude earthquake in Italy.......

The aliens detected my activity and "sucked me up into their hole (spaceship)"......i knocked out and the next thing i knew....i was tied from head to toe......i tried searching for other victims just like me but i couldn't see anyone....i glanced at my shirt and saw a number on it...it was 349......just then.....someone or rather something entered the room........this was the first time I've came across and met face to face with an alien......it looked exactly like us humans, it had 3 eyes, no nose and teeth made out of blueberries........it introduced itself as "Big Nose".......i enquired the reason of my capture and and it told me that i was captured to spit out the secret formula of the ever-so-famous "capati" as they wanted to modify their "flying sausage" into a "flying capati" as capati had less resistance and a more streamlined body....reducing friction......It referred to me as "subject 349" (i wonder why? o.O)....... i knew if i had given them the formula, they would have turned me into a sausage and eaten me anyways..so i thought of a plan while searching for objects that will allow me to escape....then i realised that the stuff used to tie me up was Jelly.......i started biting my way outta it and Big Nose started feeling insecure and threatened.......it hit the "panic button on its forehead"......hundreds of similar looking beings started storming into the room......fortunately "Chow Yunn Fart" came, he farted his way to my help after getting direct orders from "William Hung" who worked in the secret service......Chow released his most-valuable-farts through "Fart Fu"(the real reason he was paid to act) which suffocated the aliens to near-death......the aliens couldn't take it anymore so they released both of us and flew off.......

I made it down safely but unfortunately Chow didn't...he ran out of farts as all the Char Kuey Teow in his body was used up.......i went back home and continued my stoning......but one thing couldn't get off my mind.......where was everyone else when this occurred? I switched on my TV to find out.....i flipped the channel to animal planet and got my answer........It turned out most people died after eating the Canadian Pizza's i served during the Hear Us Out 2 conference yesterday, and the ones that didn't attend just died...of boredom.....

Signing off.........

CuriositY

Since i was born...everywhere i went, people always gave me a certain look, the look of disambiguation, the look of curiosity. I use to moderately understand the reason people do that when i had my turban.......but minutes, hours, days...heck light years passed but i still got the same look except until now. Due to my own curiosity of others, i hired specialists from secret agencies to spy and have a lookout on these people for me. I also hired Mark L. Whalberg, the host of the show "The Moment Of Truth" (catch it every Thursday at 10pm..only on Star World) to invite those people that are also known as "tomato-flavoured-hornbil-like-weirdos" that my spies suspected and sent to interview them on the reasons of their look on me. (The magic that make some people do nearly absolutely anything for a RM 0.50 grand prize)......

So after close inspection and major issue analysis, Mark concluded and told me three possible reasons of the look on peoples faces when they see me....which was:

1) Because of my freakishly long Brontosaurus-like neck
2) Because of my mean and push-over attitude towards others and also my larger than life cat walking ability

When these results were sent to my private scientists, they were relatively confident with their inference that it was reason number two that was the root cause of my problems. Because of the sources of bias that could have occurred by my sampling technique, i wasn't satisfied with the results....therefore i sent my results to be a question on the Mozambique version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", hoping for the person taking on the questions for the cash will use one of his lifelines to confirm my confirmation.

Sure enough, the player used his "audience'' lifeline for the question.....and majority of the audience also gave reason number two for the "looks"....you might be wondering how on earth would the audience know the answer to that question when probably most of them had never seen me before.........well this is because 97% of the people in the audience were my own family members........

So let me take this opportunity to explain my reasons for being such a push-over, having a mean attitude and incredible cat-walking ability........

I was born in the mean streets of central Chicago, better known as "the GHETTO".......Originally, i was not born there, i was actually born in the exact same place where u all are from...Malaysia .........because of my "giant double-Decker-bus-like-brain" and also because of a super genius termite that created the worlds first ever human teleporting machine........i was teleported to Chicago through a portal from another dimension and switched places with a black kid that could play basketball and defeat the Los Angelas Lakers by doing "freestyle-crawling" since the second he "dunked" out of his mothers stomach by himself.

So during my childhood, or more specifically, i was dealing drugs with my homies since i was 7 months old........i became one of the gangsters that ruled the street with just my toe at just the age of 2 during my surprise birthday party....Soon enough (2 hours later), i became a drug lord and a top dog in the state...i became notorious and was feared by almost everyone including baby birds (usually fly away when i come close)........My habits kept getting from bad to worse as i grew older....from manslaughter to conducting killing-spree's, i started using lethal weapons such as clogged up tissue papers to attempt first degree murder.......my life spent goodwill and charity was soon rewarded with me being the "face" and being on the front page cover of the "Americas Most Wanted Baby That Was Teleported From Malaysia" book by Angelina Jolie (who happened to be a fan of "imported" babies")............i headlined every news from Paris to Berlin until it came to a point that the G8 had to meet up and take action against me........first they listed me 2ND on the "Top 10 Most Threatening People Ever" ahead of "So-Dumb Hussein" and behind "Oh-sama-sama-Dustbin Laden"....then they plan the largest catch in history as combinely they brought more than 42,000 soldiers to lock me up in a cell........

I manage to get through a few (41,999) of them except one.......he was called "Superman".......rumours claimed that he had superhuman strength and laser-shooting eyes........i and him had a fist fight...but in the end it was a no contest. His external underwear was just too good a fight for me......so i was captured and locked up in "Azkaban"......and was knowned as "The Prisoner Of Azkaban"(i wonder why).........

Years passed and a white-and-nerdy looking guy called "Extremely-Harry-Potter" helped me break out of prison after watching more than 200 episodes of "Prison Break" and "Desperate Housebabies". Security was just far too tight and therefore Harry got caught and was sent to "Lord Voltage-mord" to deal with.....whereas i was killed by a giant swinging axe that chopped my neck completely......people say that when i lost my head, i was catwalking better than "Tyra Moss" and "Kate Banks" combined.......my picture was shot and was the theme for the upcoming "Victoria's Secret Fashion Show".....

Anyway i was killed but after 276hours of reconstructive surgery, doctors manage to fix everything except my neck that was outstretched 20-foot during the procedure......I was ecstatic to have another chance in living...i wanted to start fresh......i wanted to thank god for this opportunity and start fresh....i wanted to turn over a new leaf and change...starting off with my "Plain White Clothes" in the hospital....

Therefore i started visiting a famous astronomer who said i had only one way to heal from my past....which was to be lame...I started researching on Lame-nology from libraries to bookstores, from strawberries to wild boars.........And finally on the 5Th of January of 2008, i was knighted by the queen of England am now knowned as "The Lame Guru"...

Signing off......

ExTurbanatioN

Exturbanation refers to a process when someone with a TURBAN (aka bluetooth/wifi/satellite/compass/any type of ball u want/tomato/compass/onion/etc) loses his (usually men) turban into the oblivion. In other words, a turbanator become into an exturbanator. Exturbanation is a torturous process usually only done by the strongest of men or better known as "alpha-males". Some say that this process is even more painful than trying to learn how to use chopsticks. In this modern era, exturbanation is the 3rd most talked about topic in the world, only behind "ape nudity" and "underwater cockroaches."

The reason I'm writing this is because today i met an old friend of mine, he asked me why did i do it. I hesitated for an answer.....its just one of those question where you don't know what should you reply...just like "Does chicken beriyani have chicken in it?" or "If superman fights with a flying fishball who will win?"

Just like every other thing in this world, there's a tragic story behind this as well...it goes like this..

It happened a looong looong time ago when i was still a cute (well i still am) chubby and charming young boy. My parents had to go for a two hour important business trip to Djibouti (no, this is not the broken up road filled with pot-holes opposite my neighbours house) for helping a old village farmer make a 5-star-hotel (Malaysian standard) in the ten foot land that he owned. So it was only me and my 85 year old grandmother at home. My grandmother was just like any other grandmother in the world, she was a women, she had a mohawk, she enjoyed heavy metal songs. Everyone has an addiction to something, my grandmother's was high-speed rollercoasters.

There was a funfair about 500 meters away from my house and my grandmother was ecstatic as the worlds fastest rollercoaster (made in Malaysia) was just launched. She just had to go, so she gave me to drink a small (two litre) bottle of tequila to drink hoping it will knock me out and make me sleep, and so she left. Her plan backfired, i wasn't sleepy, instead i felt hyperactive. So active that i decided to ride my fathers tricycle outside into the streets.

Before i knew it, i was on the "Federal Highway" doing double backflips and summersaults with my newly found hobby. I came to a traffic light where i had to stop. A few seconds later a Ferari Enzo halted beside me. The anorexic hippopotamus in the Ferari gave me a sign signalling me for a face-off. It was a challenge i couldn't refuse. It was my long time dream and goal to be racing with a hippo on the highway. The light turned green and we zoomed forward. Not surprisingly, i was well ahead of it as i couldn't see it "anywhere close" to me. I was so focused on the challenge that i was unaware of anything else besides the road itself. Turns out that there was a fly-over just ahead of me which read (1.5m) in height. Since i was 1.85m because of my ostrich-like neck, my head smashed through the fly-over and caused it to collapse. It was the worst man-caused disaster in history of "fly-over smashing"......I knocked out......

The next thing i knew was that i was lying on the hospital bed being treated by scientists and historians. I managed to glance at a mirror beside one of those "ant-eaters" that they rare in the hospital. And there it was.....my Turban was gone...for good......i was feeling "light-headed", i was turban-less, i was.......exturbanated.....

I was in hospital requiring medical treatment in the ICU for 2 weeks. I needed to attend rehab for 6 months to regain back my head-spinning ability (usually used when someone asks me if i want to eat muruku)....i accepted my fate as an exturbanator, i figured it was just in my "turban-line" (yes we turbanators have an extra line on the palm).......

6 months later i returned home and just 3 minutes after i had returned, my parents came back too (i didn bother asking them why was their 2 hours so long, i just figured it must have been the time difference as we were in different time zones)......they always said i looked different since they came, but they just couldn't tell which part of me was different. They had three guesses and those three guesses were:
1) Is it your blue glasses?
2) Have you been working out?
3) Did you turn responsible and decide to brush your teeth today?

It came to a point that i had to check my birth certificate and my parents identification cards to make sure they were not alien ducks from outer space trying to manipulate minds of mankind to make crabby patties to feed the beings in their planet....In the end i decided to burst the bubble and tell them. Fortunately, my parents accepted it relatively well....all they did was burn the house down and tell the neighbours that i was gay.....they gave me RM 1.50 to buy myself a "Rawa Tosai" and a glass of "Milo Ice tanpa Milo"and kicked me out of the house. (As if there was one left)

Signing off.....

HeartbrakE

1 year ago i broke up with my ex-boyfriend (A sheep) because of irreconcilable differences. I was crushed, my whole world fell apart and my heart broke exactly like how cabbage is cut by my grandmother when she takes a can of Red Bull (RM 2.80 at Asia Cafe, isn't it abit too expensive). Anyway as i was saying, i became depressed and considered suicide to be the only solution to my problems.....i cried and weeped, everytime i thought about that sheep, as it was the "Pupil of my eye", the "Origin of my lie", the "Pineapple of my Aloha Chicken pizza from Dominoes" (btw i heard that there is special offer right now, call 1-300-88-8333 to get yours now!!)

A couple of days after the break-up i decided enough was enough, i was sick of this sorrowful and unfair life, i decided to kill myself by using the most considered way (among humans) to commit suicide in the world, which was "to eat red chilli's non-stop until smoke comes out through the ears and finally the person's ears will explode into confetti and will die"....part of the reason i chose this way to end my life is because while i am dying, i can actually play the song "This Is Why Im Hot by MIMs"....and also because my house ran out of tomatoes, so chili's were not an option....

My parents found out my objective somehow, don't ask me how, it was only on CNN and BBC and also in Al-Jazeera...i think.....so my parents carried out their duty and tried to convince me to stay on, telling me how much they will miss my "style, quality, excellence" (Dunhill) if i left...
In the end i gave in because they agreed to buy for me a new G2 Pilot pen (Something people can only dream and fantasize of) if i lived on....

They told me "relationships will always make and break, but an indians head must never stop to shake"....they also said that someone else will come into my life, i just had to stay patient. They decided to send me to work in a poultry farm to past my time during the holidays and true enough, i met someone who shared alot of similarities with me, it was the most good looking thing ever seen, it had a wonderful personality, it was...a chicken.

I decided to giv it a "pet" name, and name it "My chick". I felt very comfortable with it, i would always share my problems with it and even if i get angry and scold it, it would never talk back....i was shocked to learn that even "My chick" love to talk "Cock" (hahaha get it? cock=cockeral....nvm..zzz) just like me.....what can i say.....there was just this chemistry between us that no one could explain...

One day, my ex-sheepfriend spotted us having earthworms for lunch in some korean restaurant....the followong day i received a call from it asking me to get back together again.....i declined and told it i couldnt be any happier with my current relationship....it accepted but asked me to just meet up 1 more time before it left for being a "sheepburger".....i had to agree...

During our meeting, "My Chick" caught us together and though i was cheating on it, so it decided to suicide........because it wasn't an indian but a chicken, i couldn't tell it "relationships will always make and break, but an indians head must never stop to shake".....rather, i told it " A chicken can live on without its head, so go ahead, go to bed"....i didn noe what did i say wrong as "My Chick" really killed itself....it was just meant to be i guess.....it died, i lived on, end of story....

Signing off......

EviL

5 Hours ago, i went to the "Hello Doggy" shop to buy some household appliances, unfortunately, i met someone i despised, in other words, the last person i would want to bum into, my Japanese evil twin brother, JasONION.......

JasOnion, or Onion as i prefer to call him was evil since the day he was born, and he has a very rational reason behind it, which is, he was unfortunate to be borned 21seconds after me.....from that day, or second, he had set 1 objective and 1 objective only, actually it was 2: " (1) To destroy the existance of me AND to (2) eat Cheese Naan with Tandoori chicken"

So, after we bumped into each other we had a long long loooooooooooooong (approximately 0.34seconds) stare down each other as we were trying to intimidate each other with our presence.....everyone (The owner alone) in the shop saw us and knew something really bad was gonna happen but it was too late, he was unable to change fate and destiny, all he did was grab his Jamaican phone directory and made a call to one of the babysitters there to come and manage us....that was everything in his ability, the meeting between me and my brother, it was just meant to be...

After our "long" stare, Onion placed his right hand in his pocket and took out a performance-enhancing drug named "Hacks"(sweet), i realised earlier he was trying to shake me with fear with his Japanese speaking ablity (coughing), at least i thought it was japanese..i didn get a word of it...except for "uhh uhh" , i figured he was listening to that song called "who let the dogs out?"

Realizing his strength had infinately increased after the drug, he made use of his advantage and took the 1st move.....he used his "french-fry-like" pinky (last finger) and push me with all his brute force (the force needed to carry a piece of paper and put it into the Panasonic refrigerator)....i am usually very calm and patient but this had hurt me more than the time "when i was sitting in a room and some random dude said hi", i got pissed...i pushed him back but i used 2, yes yes 2! pinky's, he asked for his own funeral.....this went on for a short while (1 hour 25 mins) when we both got tired and came up with a decision to settle it like REAL MEN..
what better way than to play "monopoly"...

We started playing, and without even realising it, 1 hour had just flewn by, and i was owning him at the game......he couldn't admit defeat and so he took the "Mayfair" card that i had and threw it on the ground.....tht was the last straw......i made a call to his worst nemesis, his biggest threat, our mum....he got so embarassed and so he commited suicide, everyone lived happily ever after...

Signing off.......