Kenaydah: The Beginning

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Chicken - Halo parody

Remember those flies we killed
Well mummy they are fat and round
And they didn't even put up a fight
Because they didn even weigh a pound
I found a way to eat a shrimp
But ...I never really had a mouth
In fact i think ill have a chip
With some chili sauce now

Every morning i awaken
I have my eggs and chicken
And I know how it's tasten
It's tasting like breakfast now

Im put on a happy face
Every time im eating out
Mummy i can see my chicken
I guess i have to open my mouth
It's everything I'll eat and more
It's written all over the plate
Mummy i will eat my chicken
Pray it won't burn away

I wanna eat my chicken, chicken....chicken
I wanna eat my chicken, chicken....chicken
I wanna eat my chicken, chicken....chicken
I wanna eat my chicken, chicken....chicken

AngeR

A week ago when i went back to The City That Never Sleeps to take my driving test.....for the 3rd time. (only pro's reach 3) Everybody told me that the third time's the "harm". Therefore i was all out in proving everybody wrong by showing them my capability. This time, i maked sure that there were no holes or gaps in my effort to "victory". I went to a Feng Shui master that came down from China to pay a visit to the Chinese-people's Unused-organs Muzium (aka CUM) to check the condition of the kidney that he donated 75 years ago. Anyway, as i was saying, i asked him for some help and tips on passing my exam, and so he gave me 3 things to do....

The first thing he wanted me to do was to add the sum of all the age of my family members and relatives all around the world and divide the answer by the number of "pink blood cells" in my body (I had to check with Muhammad Pinky bin Muhammad Pinkypinky, refer to previous post) Then, get an empty table, place 6 tomatoes on the table and count how many tomatoes are there altogether. (This was a tough one because I kept loosing count after 2) And so after the help of a "Perodua calculator", i obtained the answer 9........and so i asked him what was the reason of carrying out the first method of calculating age/ pink blood cells........he told me it was to protect me from the eyes of evil baboons that wanted to live peacefully without the disruption of their natural habitat (Inti College)...

The second thing was much more simpler, he told me that when i go for the exam, i should cut off one third of my jeans and expose my unsmooth, hairy and unsilky legs of mine to the officer in charge so he gets "distracted". He also told me to use the shampoo "Leg and Shoulders" to help maintain the "power, precision, accuracy, consistency, wisdom, intellectual, intelligence, strength, dextility and agility" of the leg which was number one FHM (Fucking Hairy Monster) magazine's Top 10 legs in the world.

The third and final thing he asked me to do was to go meet his close friend, who was supposedly a local bomoh. I told him about all the hype that was going around the media regarding bomoh's and that i was scared of getting raped, he quicky discouraged my thought and corrected my mistake about bomoh's. He added that the real reason people go visit bomoh's was to BOrrow MOney Honey (BOMOH) Since there was alotta charges involved as i had to pay the flight charge, service charge, exam charge and "Nokia Charger", i decided to listen to his advice.

So it was the day of my exam, and i carried out every single thing the chinaman told me....and still i FAILED...It was so obvious that the malay officer in duty of deciding whether i pass or fail was racist, all i did was show him the "No-Hand-Trick" as i was on the phone with my African pen-pal named Nakunda, and at the same time consistently taking Twisties from the packet the officer was holding that was bought from "Guinness SDN.BHD." There was no reason for him to fail me, he was definately bias in race as he knew no malay fellow could do what i did, because it required style, quality and excellence......BTW did i mention that i knocked two people down along the way...

So after i came out of the vehicle, sad and depressed, i took a seat while waiting for the people to confirm my failure......in that time, i met this 6 foot 5 inches, 400 pound, tiger ahem... i mean "thai girl". It turned out that she passed because when she sat in the Kancil, the car "couldnt move".......they concluded that it was the gear problem and passed her automatically.......although the Kancil was "manual". So i told her the reason of my failure, and suddenly her face expression completely changed. She looked like she wanted to eat.....but i had "No-Eye-Deer"........She demanded and asked me why didnt i performed the "capati chop" to the officer.......and that i should have killed that sucker.

I peacefully explained to her the reason of me not reacting. I explained to her Newton's Third Law which says "every action has an equal and opposite reaction". So if i capati chopped that dude, one less capati would remain in the world, therefore increasing the capati mortality rate of Malaysia, potentially leading to a deflation in economy. Another reason was because i had quit fighting after Middle School. I used to be part of a gang called "Cicak Hitam". Our gang was so renowned for our beating that even Tuvalu gained independence....informally. (By watching the independence day celebration of USA on TV) Anyway, our gang did not whack the shit outta people, nono dun misunderstand, we only operated in whooping the candy asses of chicken buttz because the Bird Flu lost out on the epidemic disease ranking to the Swine Flu, better known as H1N1. I was the leader of the pack, the "alpha male", so much so that i was called "Taugeh" (because of the similarities shared between the vege and me)

So after we finished breaking chicken bones, sucking ice-cream cones, imagining sex and checking the "POKEdex", the Malaysian government introduced the "Malaysian Chicken Right Act 1997" to prevent anymore chickens from being "gang-raped". The law was so strict that it carried a penalty of studying one hour a day, which was Crucifixion in my terms, it was torturous. Because of that harsh penalty, all of us in the gang decided to take a break and find something else to do......It was not as easy as we first thought as it was an addiction.

Then one day, as i was sitting on my "Thinking Chair" (Blues Clues), something hit me, no seriously..something hit me.....i only managed to glance at it, and i thought it was a Boeng 747, I'm not really sure because it was too "small" to be seen....After it knocked my head conscious, i figured something out......why break bones and get tired of it when i can just do it while relax-singh, by eating ready-made, packed and defrosted chickens.

Because of my addiction, my father got worried as well. And so "my father wants to make me go to rehab and i say no no no"..........Just when i thought id con"vince-carter"ed my dad, my mum forced me to change my mind, she threatened to use the 15cm plastic ruler and beat me up, i was terrified and so i agreed. "I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end it didn even matter." So i registered my self into that shit hole hoping it will have some affect on me. One day as i was learning how to cook mutton curry, i met "Cookie Monster" from Sesame Street, who was well knowned for his anger management problems as well. He made the cookies and i made the curry, together we invented "Cookie Curry". Which was the lyrics of Britney Spears hit single "Circus"........................"Theres only two types of curries in the world, ones that are cookies and the other are girls"

So after a looong six hours in rehab, i figured i was ready to face the world, as a new and improved man, "The Rehab-er" (Coming Soon, in theatres near you). So now I'm the patient man that i am, which explained why am i always so chilled and relaxed. I explained to her everything from A to Z until we didn realise that 4 days 5 nights had passed before us. Finally she asked me how can she control her anger and emotions, i just told her to purchase a Play Station 3 controller, available at any mamak stall around the country.

Signing Off......

LosT

I’m writing this after returning from a death defying event that took place today, I went back to The City That Never Sleeps on a one day trip. On my way back here, I bought a ticket on a “Luxury Cruise” from JB to Subang. The reason I didn’t take a rocket was simply because
1) Its Tom Cruise not Tom Rocket (Nothing related to my topic)
2) It was Earth Day; we are supposed to use the stuff INSIDE earth (“Michael Earth’s” real reason to create Earth Day). Rockets are usually outside of earth, so we are encouraged to use up the earth’s resources as much as possible on this day.

So as i was saying, there were quite a huge number of people in the ship, apart from the captain, who was a 4-year-old boy that was allowed to take over his father’s job for a day because his father was “entertaining some clients”, there was me.... and a black Mauritanian guy who took a breather from serving bah kut teh at a strip club to the elephant seals that took vacation from their stressful lives in California after being forced to watch "The OC" from the newly launched 150'' plasma screen Panasonic TV which was given to them by their village head (a head of a dead seal) because of presumed good behaviour.......

Half way into the trip and everything was going perfectly as planned, the captain died of “old age”, the ship hit an iceberg and broke into half (nono, an iceberg in Malaysia doesn’t prove that climate change is occurring, rather this was caused by “urbanization”, modern technology has allowed even icebergs to have wheels to travel on their own), and a huge thunderstorm started to fall, causing only the half of the ship that we were in to burn (the rain was racist) with “style”, “quality”, and ‘’excellence.”

We had no choice but to jump down into the dark, freezing and gloomy ocean, we just swam randomly as we were pretty much lost for directions,.......As we went on swimming, we saw 2 patrolling policemen just a few feet ahead of us, they asked us if we wanted a ride, the black dude took our bags of basic survival kits and slammed it across their faces, they couldn’t actually see the black guy, so all they could see was floating objects hitting them, they zoomed away in horror......why didn’t we ask for their help u ask? Well the answer is simple; they were “Malaysian Officers”....so there was a humongous probability that they were more lost than we were.

As we went on swimming, we saw a large fin just above the water level, we wasn’t sure what it really was, at first we thought it was a shark but we then thought rationally that there is a possibility that it could be a goldfish wearing a shark costume from “Topman”....the next thing I knew was that the fish pulled the Mauritanian guy underwater and ate him alive (not really eat him alive, I meant the shark ate him while he was listening to the POD song “alive” when he was actually dead after seeing “The Fin”-Latest movie that’s going to hit popcorn stalls near u)

Judging from the fish’s jumping height, hundreds of its razor sharp teeth, its greyish-blue body and its 30 foot long body; it could not possibly be a shark, so I concluded that it was a goldfish. After walloping the black dude, the “goldfish” started to chase after me, I knew I could outrun it that’s why I decided not to run because “it wouldn’t be a challenge”, so I decided to do the next best thing, I took out the chocolate-flavoured Oreo biscuit that was sacredly kept inside the locket that was given to me by my mother when I was young. So as the fish opened its hygienic mouth (smelled of Listerine), I threw the Oreo biscuit and observed the magic.....almost immediately, I could see the effects of the biscuit, it became so tame that it wouldn’t even hurt an ant (most probably because an ant lives outside of the sea)....so I named the goldfish “PINKY” simply because it wasn’t pink (great reason to give your child this name), I hitched a ride on Pinkie (I decided to change its name because when i called up the immigration office they told me the name Pinky was used by some Malay guy called “Muhammad Pinky bin Muhammad Pinkypinky”)

So, a few minutes later we approached an abandon island called “Is (not) land” – My Indian friend “India Jones” told me so, Pinkie dropped me there before disappearing into a giant whirlpool that “spinned its head right round right round, when its going down, when its going down down.” I decided to explore the island so I headed into the deep forests through the bushes. As I fatigue-ly made my way to the treacherous terrains and harsh conditions while breaking branches and long leafs using a butter knife, I became hungry as the knife reminded me of food. So I decided to stop by one of those McDonald “walk-through” outlets, I placed my order and started eating as soon as i got my food. I sat with 2 guys, one named J.W.W Birch and the other was called Maharaja Lela, it seemed they were both renowned in Malaysian history and that they both were presumed dead a long time ago. I asked them why didn’t they want to show their face, the replied “Stupid Malaysian’s made up their own stories about us, leaving us both embarrassed and insulted” Lela went on, “In Malaysian books, they wrote about how evil and cruel was Birch, but the fact of the matter is, Birch was only sadistic, all he wanted was to see others suffer, he did not ask much.” Birch followed on “And Lela was celebrated for killing me when I was taking a shower, how can people celebrate when it makes Lela feel like such a coward and a pussy.” So after i nearly died out of boredom from listening to these 200 year old, old hags, I ate and moved on to eat another day, or hour......

Hours passed and I finally made it out on the other side of the forest, and almost immediately I was faced with another problem, I was attacked by a carnivorous and lethal flesh-eating butterfly. Fortunately I had my butter knife and French toast to match its butter spitting ability, so I could spread the butter on the toast and eat it later. After 2 hours of battle, the number of butterflies doubled.....it got out of hand for me, there was just too many.....so I had no choice but to run. I kept on running until I ran into a tribe called the “Kukukaka tribe” (Story goes that the named originated when a boy was hit on the head by an arrow, literally, so he had a bruise and walllaaaa!!) So anyway, these tribal people came to my aid and used their 15-foot tongues to suck the butterflies until they were all gone (there were only 2) I thanked them for their help and I think they said I was welcomed (all they did was roll their tongue and made funny noises that are usually made by monkeys....just in time one of them stepped forward and interpreted each and every word for me, he claimed to be a Harvard graduate and showed me his PhD in Medicine....So he explained to me in English about his tribe, it seemed that their god or goddess is some fat women called Queen Latifah (never heard of her), they have posters of her all around their location, yes including the toilet bowls (the place where I got my haircut from)

I told them that I was tired and I needed to a place to stay for a day, I ask them where would be a good place to set camp...they told me that there was a FREE-FOR-ALL hotel just 10 meters ahead.....so when I reached the hotel I set camp right beside of it (-.-)......I woke up the following day and to my goodwill and luck, I met the famous legend and wrestler “Jimmy Snuka Superfly”, the fly words said it all, I took some diesel oil and stuffed it into his mouth, i sat on him and slapped his face until we started flying............we went on all the way until we reached Subang (use SHELL V-POWER for best results)....and here I am now telling you’ll what happened..... Boredom Kills.......

Signing Off......

AlienS

Last night....the most unbelievable thing happened to me (yes yes even more unbelievable than the time i made a joke and no one laughed).......i was abducted.....but i was not abducted by just some random nasi lemak seller or some Arabian mechanic who found out that the reason his child ran away from home was not because of the DEC 26 Tsunami, rather it was because he used cowdung mixed with chocolate syrup as his underarm spray as he was prejudiced against most sprays especially after the "Gatsby mohawk commercial"........i was abducted by ALIENS......

After hearing this, I know most of you'll would be full of tears and thinking in your heads "Owh why god? Why...didn't you take me instead of Jas.....why can't you leave that poor soul alone after all he's been through"...........all wishing at this moment that I'm safe and sound especially after you'll heard over the news about "How it was alien orangutans fault not Osama Bin Laden's fault of crashing the planes into the World Trade Center on 9-11" and also "Obama is a hyper-mutated alien that has been created for a mission to act like he cares about The United States Of America when the main priority is to make the USA a beer producing source to COLGATE (name of the alien planet as Mars was too commonly known as the name of a chocolate)"

Well if this is how you think about aliens then I'm here NOT to correct you.......aliens are the 3rd most "understood" beings in the universe only after SASH-quatch's and Siberian Unicorns.......anyway lemme tell you'll my "much awaited" story first....

It was a dark and windy night, the storm was "thunder-ous" and the rain was falling like "bats and cows".....i was "carrying out research" on the three hundred thousand different types of "stoning" postures........then out of the blue i heard a loud THUMP above my head and started to feel raindrops on my skin.......the hair (on my arms and legs) was soaking wet.....and stylish....so i took advantage of the opportunity and used my cheap hand phone to grab a picture of myself and posted it on the "Pantene" and "Rejoice" website as they were looking for "female" hair models and they don't come harrier than King Kong himself......

So after that i looked up and saw this "gigantic flying sausage" a.k.a UFO (Unsuckable Flying Object).......its was a rare scene, it only occurs once in a "purple" moon (blue is rare, but purple is....), It even had my picture on top of it........this was one of the two reason that made me think that my dad had bought me an "imported car" for me......the other reason was that my birthday had just passed (3 months ago)........so i jumped in joy and excitement.....i later found out that my jumping was the cause of the 6.5 magnitude earthquake in Italy.......

The aliens detected my activity and "sucked me up into their hole (spaceship)"......i knocked out and the next thing i knew....i was tied from head to toe......i tried searching for other victims just like me but i couldn't see anyone....i glanced at my shirt and saw a number on it...it was 349......just then.....someone or rather something entered the room........this was the first time I've came across and met face to face with an alien......it looked exactly like us humans, it had 3 eyes, no nose and teeth made out of blueberries........it introduced itself as "Big Nose".......i enquired the reason of my capture and and it told me that i was captured to spit out the secret formula of the ever-so-famous "capati" as they wanted to modify their "flying sausage" into a "flying capati" as capati had less resistance and a more streamlined body....reducing friction......It referred to me as "subject 349" (i wonder why? o.O)....... i knew if i had given them the formula, they would have turned me into a sausage and eaten me anyways..so i thought of a plan while searching for objects that will allow me to escape....then i realised that the stuff used to tie me up was Jelly.......i started biting my way outta it and Big Nose started feeling insecure and threatened.......it hit the "panic button on its forehead"......hundreds of similar looking beings started storming into the room......fortunately "Chow Yunn Fart" came, he farted his way to my help after getting direct orders from "William Hung" who worked in the secret service......Chow released his most-valuable-farts through "Fart Fu"(the real reason he was paid to act) which suffocated the aliens to near-death......the aliens couldn't take it anymore so they released both of us and flew off.......

I made it down safely but unfortunately Chow didn't...he ran out of farts as all the Char Kuey Teow in his body was used up.......i went back home and continued my stoning......but one thing couldn't get off my mind.......where was everyone else when this occurred? I switched on my TV to find out.....i flipped the channel to animal planet and got my answer........It turned out most people died after eating the Canadian Pizza's i served during the Hear Us Out 2 conference yesterday, and the ones that didn't attend just died...of boredom.....

Signing off.........

CuriositY

Since i was born...everywhere i went, people always gave me a certain look, the look of disambiguation, the look of curiosity. I use to moderately understand the reason people do that when i had my turban.......but minutes, hours, days...heck light years passed but i still got the same look except until now. Due to my own curiosity of others, i hired specialists from secret agencies to spy and have a lookout on these people for me. I also hired Mark L. Whalberg, the host of the show "The Moment Of Truth" (catch it every Thursday at 10pm..only on Star World) to invite those people that are also known as "tomato-flavoured-hornbil-like-weirdos" that my spies suspected and sent to interview them on the reasons of their look on me. (The magic that make some people do nearly absolutely anything for a RM 0.50 grand prize)......

So after close inspection and major issue analysis, Mark concluded and told me three possible reasons of the look on peoples faces when they see me....which was:

1) Because of my freakishly long Brontosaurus-like neck
2) Because of my mean and push-over attitude towards others and also my larger than life cat walking ability

When these results were sent to my private scientists, they were relatively confident with their inference that it was reason number two that was the root cause of my problems. Because of the sources of bias that could have occurred by my sampling technique, i wasn't satisfied with the results....therefore i sent my results to be a question on the Mozambique version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", hoping for the person taking on the questions for the cash will use one of his lifelines to confirm my confirmation.

Sure enough, the player used his "audience'' lifeline for the question.....and majority of the audience also gave reason number two for the "looks"....you might be wondering how on earth would the audience know the answer to that question when probably most of them had never seen me before.........well this is because 97% of the people in the audience were my own family members........

So let me take this opportunity to explain my reasons for being such a push-over, having a mean attitude and incredible cat-walking ability........

I was born in the mean streets of central Chicago, better known as "the GHETTO".......Originally, i was not born there, i was actually born in the exact same place where u all are from...Malaysia .........because of my "giant double-Decker-bus-like-brain" and also because of a super genius termite that created the worlds first ever human teleporting machine........i was teleported to Chicago through a portal from another dimension and switched places with a black kid that could play basketball and defeat the Los Angelas Lakers by doing "freestyle-crawling" since the second he "dunked" out of his mothers stomach by himself.

So during my childhood, or more specifically, i was dealing drugs with my homies since i was 7 months old........i became one of the gangsters that ruled the street with just my toe at just the age of 2 during my surprise birthday party....Soon enough (2 hours later), i became a drug lord and a top dog in the state...i became notorious and was feared by almost everyone including baby birds (usually fly away when i come close)........My habits kept getting from bad to worse as i grew older....from manslaughter to conducting killing-spree's, i started using lethal weapons such as clogged up tissue papers to attempt first degree murder.......my life spent goodwill and charity was soon rewarded with me being the "face" and being on the front page cover of the "Americas Most Wanted Baby That Was Teleported From Malaysia" book by Angelina Jolie (who happened to be a fan of "imported" babies")............i headlined every news from Paris to Berlin until it came to a point that the G8 had to meet up and take action against me........first they listed me 2ND on the "Top 10 Most Threatening People Ever" ahead of "So-Dumb Hussein" and behind "Oh-sama-sama-Dustbin Laden"....then they plan the largest catch in history as combinely they brought more than 42,000 soldiers to lock me up in a cell........

I manage to get through a few (41,999) of them except one.......he was called "Superman".......rumours claimed that he had superhuman strength and laser-shooting eyes........i and him had a fist fight...but in the end it was a no contest. His external underwear was just too good a fight for me......so i was captured and locked up in "Azkaban"......and was knowned as "The Prisoner Of Azkaban"(i wonder why).........

Years passed and a white-and-nerdy looking guy called "Extremely-Harry-Potter" helped me break out of prison after watching more than 200 episodes of "Prison Break" and "Desperate Housebabies". Security was just far too tight and therefore Harry got caught and was sent to "Lord Voltage-mord" to deal with.....whereas i was killed by a giant swinging axe that chopped my neck completely......people say that when i lost my head, i was catwalking better than "Tyra Moss" and "Kate Banks" combined.......my picture was shot and was the theme for the upcoming "Victoria's Secret Fashion Show".....

Anyway i was killed but after 276hours of reconstructive surgery, doctors manage to fix everything except my neck that was outstretched 20-foot during the procedure......I was ecstatic to have another chance in living...i wanted to start fresh......i wanted to thank god for this opportunity and start fresh....i wanted to turn over a new leaf and change...starting off with my "Plain White Clothes" in the hospital....

Therefore i started visiting a famous astronomer who said i had only one way to heal from my past....which was to be lame...I started researching on Lame-nology from libraries to bookstores, from strawberries to wild boars.........And finally on the 5Th of January of 2008, i was knighted by the queen of England am now knowned as "The Lame Guru"...

Signing off......

ExTurbanatioN

Exturbanation refers to a process when someone with a TURBAN (aka bluetooth/wifi/satellite/compass/any type of ball u want/tomato/compass/onion/etc) loses his (usually men) turban into the oblivion. In other words, a turbanator become into an exturbanator. Exturbanation is a torturous process usually only done by the strongest of men or better known as "alpha-males". Some say that this process is even more painful than trying to learn how to use chopsticks. In this modern era, exturbanation is the 3rd most talked about topic in the world, only behind "ape nudity" and "underwater cockroaches."

The reason I'm writing this is because today i met an old friend of mine, he asked me why did i do it. I hesitated for an answer.....its just one of those question where you don't know what should you reply...just like "Does chicken beriyani have chicken in it?" or "If superman fights with a flying fishball who will win?"

Just like every other thing in this world, there's a tragic story behind this as well...it goes like this..

It happened a looong looong time ago when i was still a cute (well i still am) chubby and charming young boy. My parents had to go for a two hour important business trip to Djibouti (no, this is not the broken up road filled with pot-holes opposite my neighbours house) for helping a old village farmer make a 5-star-hotel (Malaysian standard) in the ten foot land that he owned. So it was only me and my 85 year old grandmother at home. My grandmother was just like any other grandmother in the world, she was a women, she had a mohawk, she enjoyed heavy metal songs. Everyone has an addiction to something, my grandmother's was high-speed rollercoasters.

There was a funfair about 500 meters away from my house and my grandmother was ecstatic as the worlds fastest rollercoaster (made in Malaysia) was just launched. She just had to go, so she gave me to drink a small (two litre) bottle of tequila to drink hoping it will knock me out and make me sleep, and so she left. Her plan backfired, i wasn't sleepy, instead i felt hyperactive. So active that i decided to ride my fathers tricycle outside into the streets.

Before i knew it, i was on the "Federal Highway" doing double backflips and summersaults with my newly found hobby. I came to a traffic light where i had to stop. A few seconds later a Ferari Enzo halted beside me. The anorexic hippopotamus in the Ferari gave me a sign signalling me for a face-off. It was a challenge i couldn't refuse. It was my long time dream and goal to be racing with a hippo on the highway. The light turned green and we zoomed forward. Not surprisingly, i was well ahead of it as i couldn't see it "anywhere close" to me. I was so focused on the challenge that i was unaware of anything else besides the road itself. Turns out that there was a fly-over just ahead of me which read (1.5m) in height. Since i was 1.85m because of my ostrich-like neck, my head smashed through the fly-over and caused it to collapse. It was the worst man-caused disaster in history of "fly-over smashing"......I knocked out......

The next thing i knew was that i was lying on the hospital bed being treated by scientists and historians. I managed to glance at a mirror beside one of those "ant-eaters" that they rare in the hospital. And there it was.....my Turban was gone...for good......i was feeling "light-headed", i was turban-less, i was.......exturbanated.....

I was in hospital requiring medical treatment in the ICU for 2 weeks. I needed to attend rehab for 6 months to regain back my head-spinning ability (usually used when someone asks me if i want to eat muruku)....i accepted my fate as an exturbanator, i figured it was just in my "turban-line" (yes we turbanators have an extra line on the palm).......

6 months later i returned home and just 3 minutes after i had returned, my parents came back too (i didn bother asking them why was their 2 hours so long, i just figured it must have been the time difference as we were in different time zones)......they always said i looked different since they came, but they just couldn't tell which part of me was different. They had three guesses and those three guesses were:
1) Is it your blue glasses?
2) Have you been working out?
3) Did you turn responsible and decide to brush your teeth today?

It came to a point that i had to check my birth certificate and my parents identification cards to make sure they were not alien ducks from outer space trying to manipulate minds of mankind to make crabby patties to feed the beings in their planet....In the end i decided to burst the bubble and tell them. Fortunately, my parents accepted it relatively well....all they did was burn the house down and tell the neighbours that i was gay.....they gave me RM 1.50 to buy myself a "Rawa Tosai" and a glass of "Milo Ice tanpa Milo"and kicked me out of the house. (As if there was one left)

Signing off.....

HeartbrakE

1 year ago i broke up with my ex-boyfriend (A sheep) because of irreconcilable differences. I was crushed, my whole world fell apart and my heart broke exactly like how cabbage is cut by my grandmother when she takes a can of Red Bull (RM 2.80 at Asia Cafe, isn't it abit too expensive). Anyway as i was saying, i became depressed and considered suicide to be the only solution to my problems.....i cried and weeped, everytime i thought about that sheep, as it was the "Pupil of my eye", the "Origin of my lie", the "Pineapple of my Aloha Chicken pizza from Dominoes" (btw i heard that there is special offer right now, call 1-300-88-8333 to get yours now!!)

A couple of days after the break-up i decided enough was enough, i was sick of this sorrowful and unfair life, i decided to kill myself by using the most considered way (among humans) to commit suicide in the world, which was "to eat red chilli's non-stop until smoke comes out through the ears and finally the person's ears will explode into confetti and will die"....part of the reason i chose this way to end my life is because while i am dying, i can actually play the song "This Is Why Im Hot by MIMs"....and also because my house ran out of tomatoes, so chili's were not an option....

My parents found out my objective somehow, don't ask me how, it was only on CNN and BBC and also in Al-Jazeera...i think.....so my parents carried out their duty and tried to convince me to stay on, telling me how much they will miss my "style, quality, excellence" (Dunhill) if i left...
In the end i gave in because they agreed to buy for me a new G2 Pilot pen (Something people can only dream and fantasize of) if i lived on....

They told me "relationships will always make and break, but an indians head must never stop to shake"....they also said that someone else will come into my life, i just had to stay patient. They decided to send me to work in a poultry farm to past my time during the holidays and true enough, i met someone who shared alot of similarities with me, it was the most good looking thing ever seen, it had a wonderful personality, it was...a chicken.

I decided to giv it a "pet" name, and name it "My chick". I felt very comfortable with it, i would always share my problems with it and even if i get angry and scold it, it would never talk back....i was shocked to learn that even "My chick" love to talk "Cock" (hahaha get it? cock=cockeral....nvm..zzz) just like me.....what can i say.....there was just this chemistry between us that no one could explain...

One day, my ex-sheepfriend spotted us having earthworms for lunch in some korean restaurant....the followong day i received a call from it asking me to get back together again.....i declined and told it i couldnt be any happier with my current relationship....it accepted but asked me to just meet up 1 more time before it left for being a "sheepburger".....i had to agree...

During our meeting, "My Chick" caught us together and though i was cheating on it, so it decided to suicide........because it wasn't an indian but a chicken, i couldn't tell it "relationships will always make and break, but an indians head must never stop to shake".....rather, i told it " A chicken can live on without its head, so go ahead, go to bed"....i didn noe what did i say wrong as "My Chick" really killed itself....it was just meant to be i guess.....it died, i lived on, end of story....

Signing off......

EviL

5 Hours ago, i went to the "Hello Doggy" shop to buy some household appliances, unfortunately, i met someone i despised, in other words, the last person i would want to bum into, my Japanese evil twin brother, JasONION.......

JasOnion, or Onion as i prefer to call him was evil since the day he was born, and he has a very rational reason behind it, which is, he was unfortunate to be borned 21seconds after me.....from that day, or second, he had set 1 objective and 1 objective only, actually it was 2: " (1) To destroy the existance of me AND to (2) eat Cheese Naan with Tandoori chicken"

So, after we bumped into each other we had a long long loooooooooooooong (approximately 0.34seconds) stare down each other as we were trying to intimidate each other with our presence.....everyone (The owner alone) in the shop saw us and knew something really bad was gonna happen but it was too late, he was unable to change fate and destiny, all he did was grab his Jamaican phone directory and made a call to one of the babysitters there to come and manage us....that was everything in his ability, the meeting between me and my brother, it was just meant to be...

After our "long" stare, Onion placed his right hand in his pocket and took out a performance-enhancing drug named "Hacks"(sweet), i realised earlier he was trying to shake me with fear with his Japanese speaking ablity (coughing), at least i thought it was japanese..i didn get a word of it...except for "uhh uhh" , i figured he was listening to that song called "who let the dogs out?"

Realizing his strength had infinately increased after the drug, he made use of his advantage and took the 1st move.....he used his "french-fry-like" pinky (last finger) and push me with all his brute force (the force needed to carry a piece of paper and put it into the Panasonic refrigerator)....i am usually very calm and patient but this had hurt me more than the time "when i was sitting in a room and some random dude said hi", i got pissed...i pushed him back but i used 2, yes yes 2! pinky's, he asked for his own funeral.....this went on for a short while (1 hour 25 mins) when we both got tired and came up with a decision to settle it like REAL MEN..
what better way than to play "monopoly"...

We started playing, and without even realising it, 1 hour had just flewn by, and i was owning him at the game......he couldn't admit defeat and so he took the "Mayfair" card that i had and threw it on the ground.....tht was the last straw......i made a call to his worst nemesis, his biggest threat, our mum....he got so embarassed and so he commited suicide, everyone lived happily ever after...

Signing off.......

FaT AsS (Random Shit at 4am in the morning)--Drop it like its hot-Snoop Dogg parody

When you thought u saw a ghost

Act it like it's god, Act it like it's god, Act it like it's god

When the ducks try to quack at you

Tell them the weather is hot, Tell them the weather is hot, Tell them the weather is hot

And if your father asks what genre is Britney spears in

Tell him that its rock, Tell him that its rock, Tell him that its rock

I got a strain on my arm as i broke my thumb

And couldn't find UHU glue so i had to use gum

Uh! I'm a nice dude, with some nice dreams

Saw that fat dude eating ice creams?

12 pigs and 23 goats, where's the other 5 dragonflies that you showed?

The Fat Ass, exterior like meat loaf, the interior like an oily Toshiba gas stove,

I can excercise you, this can be your plan for 1 week,

I might sound like a mad man, but that's how i speak,

I know dietitions in the street, With the steel that'll make you feel like Brad Pitt is your feet

So don't try to run up on my ear asking for a banana pie,

Trying to ask me for naked guy,

If u go thin you aint gonna die,

You should think about it, take a second,

Matter fact, you should start eating an ant, and think about every fart that you've spent.......

DissapointmenT-Never Too Late-Three Days Grace Parody

On the day before today, i was at a fast food restaurant ordering some food. To my dissapointment, the food i order was waaaaay below par, it was completely RUBBISH.....so i dedicated this song to the food i never got...

This burger will never be
What I wanted
And if It isn't chicken
Who would have guessed it
I will eat alone
Every burger that I was shown
To make me feel like
I was not scammed I was never scammed
Even if they say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to get your fries
Now and again we try
To just stay in line
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause i was not scammed I was never scammed....

No one will ever see
The sauce inserted
And if it was not chili sauce
Who would have guessed it
And I have ate alone
Every sauce that was thrown
To make me feel like
I was not scammed I was never scammed
Even if they say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to have your spice
Now and again we try
To just seek advice
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause i was not scammed I was never scammed.....

Signing off...

VacatioN

Yesterday i went to Mauritius for a vacation, so I was walking along the coast of the beach of Mauritius with my "chicks" when suddenly i saw a huge 700-foot high wave was heading directly to us, it was approximately 27.86 centimeters away from us..........i knew i had to do something to protect my chicks, so just den i remembered wad i had learned previously so i put my mind into matter.....first i organized a plan, i drew an escape plan after i found the mahjong paper i found on the "Bumiputra Bank ATM machine" (wonder which dumbass will leave such a precious thing on the ATM), so after i drew the diagram i divided my chicks into groups of 3 to have an appropriate discussion and also gave dem each a topic to study.....so after the discussion, i decided to give dem gurls a quiz on the topic ive given.........so later on i gave dem an assignment regarding the other groups topics just to test whether they were paying attention or not......finally i made them do research notes regarding the situation and also made them cite their work carefully such as using it in a correct format...


So approximately 2 seconds later since i saw the wave initially, the wave finally gushed towards us, i was well prepared as i used scientific management, administrative principles and bereaucratic organizational studies to chose the perfect plan, so i applied it.....when the wave hit us i used my GUNZ(right bicept) & ROSES(left bicept) and held them to the ground all the time as if Jessica Simpson was preventing her dog from eating her mozarella cheese sticks even though it pee'd outside the house toilet without using an Arsenal Football Club jersey (duno what has it got to do wif tis but dere it goes)...so as i was saying, i held them all down and in the end oni ALL of my chick's bodies survived the massacre but lost all their heads....

Signing off....

ParanormaL

I had an extraordinary experience whilst at home today...
It was the sound of the stroke of midnight by my Great-Grandfather clock......i was at home alone as my cousin and his wife had gone out for grocery-shopping.......i kept myself busy by studying CalCRAPulous since my exam for that subject was on friday, i was never a fan or light of maths but it was the onli test left before i obtained my pHd in Crappanology....

I felt an extreme thirst down my throat so dry as if there were 2 Yemen-ese people pulling Vespa skooters in the Sahara Desert while speaking jibbrish in my mouth.....and therefore i got up for a can of Anything (Its a soft-drink name, u can get urs from 7-11 at just RM 1.90, while stocks last and batteries not included)....before i left i left my book wide open on the RM3400 sofa set (U can get the same 1 from Sen-Q, feel it, test it..), btw its a hard cover text book that can only be closed once opened using a 30-pound jackhammer.....

So as i was saying, i grabbed my can of Anything and came bak to my the living room to continue my "study", and unbelievably my book was closed! The worst part was i didn even noe which page i left it on........at first i tot it rationally, thinking it might just becaused by the 250km/h tornado in my backyard....but just then.....i saw a dark figure zoomed passed my kitchen hallway at the speed of light (Btw that is 3x10 to the power of 8)......my heart nearly pulled out from my body as if it was another occurance of the HIROSHIMA bombing........the suspence was killing me so i HAD to go and check it out.....i walked slowly but surely and also stealthly and with complete silence towards the hallway....

I turned to my left and there was no1 there, then i moved on towards my right and THERE.....there it was.......my purple coloured-siamese pet iguana named Rufus.........


CONCLUSION=Boredom kills
Signing off...

Oh It Hurts......

I cant take it anymore...the pain.......ohhhh the suffering..........why does this always happen to us......
Oh god pls make it stop.....why do you make children suffer?....Why must you giv us such a emotionless, robotic-speaking, wannabe-in-weight-lifting, make-the-class-so-boring, just-another-dumb-blonde DATA MANAGEMENT lecturer..the great "SEAN LeCONTE"..oh the boredom just kills me bit by bit...All i have to say is: "where is the love"

LeConte teaching students sleeping...
Students sleeping you hear them snoring...
Can you practice how will you teach..
Would you cancel the the class for 1 week?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause LeConte got me got me questioning
Where is the love?.......Where is the love??


I feel the weight of the textbook on my shoulder
As I'm getting older y'all lecturers getting colder
Most of us only care about spending and enjoying.
Overall average got us followin the wrong direction.
Wrong information always thrown in the cafeteria.
Negative images is the main criteria.
Infecting their young minds faster than bacteria.
Kids wanna act like what they dun see in the SATRIA.(car)
Whatever happened to the values of humanity?
Whatever happened to the Taylors guarantee?
Instead of teaching right, he is blocking the light.
Lack of understanding, leading us away from reaching the kite.(goals)
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling under.
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling down.
It's no wonder why sometimes I'm feeling under.
I gotta keep my faith alive, until entertainment is found.

2 weeks later

Ok so today i finally broke the duct of not playing DOTA at home after 2 weeks......Bacause of the kind and forgiving person dat i am, hehe....i decided to giv a shot to my bro in a 1v1 only mid same hero game wif me A.K.A (aromsh)

Nothing in this world get lamer than some1 actually writing about a DOTA game in his/her blog....but what can i say...im freakin bored since im not the type that does homework except when it has marks..

So since it was same hero mode we got PA also known as Phantom Assassin.......so lemme get straight to the point...i just owned his freakin ass and whooped it from JB to Amritsar.....

GAME OVER

Signing off......

2 in a day...

Yeah this just goes to prove how bored i am as im writing my 2nd post on the SAME DAY.....This day (28/02/2009 02:35am) will go into my personal diary (if i had one..)

Im usually bored everyday but today is just dat little extra bit of boredom as usually there is always at least a couple of people chatting wif me on MSN..........o...k.......i just suddenly gt some1 to talk to outta nowhere....thank god u sent an angel named Chee Hou......oya as i was saying i always have some1 to talk to share my crap whether Julian (Alot difference in real life and MSN), Amrit ( Have some good shit to talk sometimes but ends conversation very fast), Chee Hou (Usually talks bout DOTA or random chicks he is interested in since he broke up), Neesha (Have many long conversations but i guess is mainly cause she replies VERY FAST, approximately from "10seconds-10hours" after i message her wif 10 seconds having oni a 2% chance of occuring) or Kenneth (Cant get a word he speaks, kidding lol he is my fellow crapper who happens to be a master manipulator who use to influence my every decision mostly was bad decisions)......

So....ive passed my time in writing this crap post, its 3.28am here so i think im gonna sleep as:

This is why I'm BORED

This is why I'm BORED

This is why, This is why, This is why I'm BORED

This is why I'm BORED , This is why, This is why, This is why I'm BORED

I'm BORED cause I'm ALONE, You ain't cause you're not

This is why, This is why, This is why I'm BORED

This is why I'm BORED, I don't gotta CHAT, I can CRAP A LOT saying nothing on the track

I represent JOHOR BAHRU, I got it on my back, MY HOMIES say that IVE lost it so I'm gonna bring it back

I love the FLIRTY, FLIRTY cause PEOPLE show me LIFE, The CHILDREN START TO POUNCE as soon as I hit MY WIFE,

But in the COLLEGE, They love to take it slow, So when I hit the CAFETERIA, I CANT WAIT TO GO WIF THE FLOW,

And IF THEY NID MY CRAP I take it to MAY(month), MONDAY TO FRIDAY I do it everyday, BURGER KING TO McD's, OR MAYBE JUST SUBWAY,

I'm in that low low, DATS HOW I PLAY,

And when I TOUCH THE LIMIT People say that I'm LAME, They like the way I CRAP they like THE WAY I PLAY THE GAME, They like the way I DUN FEEL ASHAMED WHETHER THE JOKES ARE FROM SPAIN OR UKRAINE,

They ask me WHY I do it and simply I SAY THE SAME...

This is why I'm BORED
This is why I'm BORED
This is why, This is why, This is why I'm BORED
This is why I'm BORED , This is why, This is why, This is why I'm BORED
I'm BORED cause I'm ALONE, You ain't cause you're not
This is why, This is why, This is why I'm BORED

JUST SPENT 29 mins doing this shit....

SIGNING OFF.......

Back in JB (Johor Bahru)

So here i am, bak in my hometown JB a.k.a The City That Never Sleeps (probably because its always dead), a.k.a The Land Of The Rising Sun (sun represents crime rate, yeah this is where it all begun), a.k.a The Land Of Oppertunities (If u wanna kill, get killed, smuggle or just become a pirated VCD/DVD seller, there u go)......neway im just writing this cause im bored, when im i not bored since ive quit playing DOTA at home since it gets so lagggg everytime i do play.

So the actual reason i came down to JB was to master my Kung Fu skills.....oh yeah i noe KF and i have my black belts and certificates to prove it.......my shifu called me yesterday saying dat he had found a new challenger for me after my previous challenger who claimed to be some chinese dude named Jackie Chan, duno nvr heard of him.....anyway he pulled out after claiming that he had to "act" in a movie called Rush Hour (yeah i noe if u wanna cr8 a movie name, at least be creative) wif another random guy named Chris Tucker......

My shifu says that my new competitor is much much more prepared for my skills and also my finisher called "Jas Cold Stunner"....so this challenger he says is a "Dhalsim" (a character in street fighter) looking, Shah Rukh Khan cooking type of person.....honestly, i seriously have no idea what to expect from this " Dhal Rukh Khan".......

There u go, just another lame story by Jaskiret Singh to get over his boredom.......

Signing off....

Jokes uve prolly heard oredi

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.

Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.

Teacher: Why?

Student: There is no future in it.

Teacher : Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?

Ted : $10.

Teacher : You don't know maths.

Ted : You don't know my father!

Mother : David, come here.

David : Yes, mum?

Mother : You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.

David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.

Mother : I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.

Father : Why did you fail your mathematics test?

Son : On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8

Father : So?

Son : On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.

Daughter : It's mummy!

Father : How do you know?

Daughter : She didn't say anything.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Yes .

DearGirl: Would you die for me?

Boy: No, mine is undying love

Man: How old is your father?

Boy: As old as me

Man: How can that be?

Boy: He became a father only when I was born

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.

Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

Father : Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!

Son : That's why I say she's no good!

Teacher: 'Where were u born?'

Student: ' Singapore , Sir.

'Teacher: 'Which part?'Student: 'All of me, Sir.'

A teacher was asking her class: 'What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?' Only one hand shot up.'Ok, answer, Joan' said the teacher.''unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle.'

Teacher: 'How come you do not comb your hair?'

Ah Kow: 'No comb, Sir.'

Teacher: 'Use your dad's then.

'Ah Kow: 'No hair, Sir.'

A boy came home from school with his exam results.'What did u get?' asked his father.'My marks are under water,' said the boy.'What do u mean 'under water'?''They are all below 'C' (sea) level'

A few cartoons that have not bad humour.....no not me...

Testing...1....2....3

Just started so i have no idea what am i suppose to do rite now, so im randomly writing some shyt just to explore whats gona happen if i write here.....yeahyeah im a noob...