Wow I never fail to blow myself away with the amount of time I waste doing absolutely nothing in the middle of an assignment. Here's the usual process to the completion of my average 1500 essay that is due on any particular day:-
8pm night before - I have pressure to complete the assignment so I'm motivated to begin. I start reading the assignment's instructions, brainstorm quickly, and finally write my first sentence. At that point I call my parents and share the good news, OMGGG IT'SSS A GIRRRRLLLL!! After giving birth, I am released from the pregnancy room, become a great housewife and live happily ever after. Okay fine maybe that's not what happen, anyway back to the story. After writing down my first sentence, I realize that I need more research done so I surf the net and start Googling for assistance.
11pm night before - From a distance away, I hear a terrifyingly loud growl. I am startled by the noise, and become overwhelmed by paranoia. But mostly I am disgusted, disgusted for I can't believe my parents would keep such a secret from me in that all this time, they had been hiding a pride of lions and dinosaurs somewhere in my house. And to recall that fine day when they rejected my humble request to buy me a pony. I even made the puppydog face! Ohhh the nerve of some people, UGHHHH!!! But that was before I realized that the loud growl was coming from none other than my belly. Suddenly I'm out of my hypnotic state and look at the time. HOLYY GOLDEN MURUKU OF BOMBAYYY!! I FREAK OUT!! I can't believe I've been using Times New Roman instead of Ariel text for the time digits on my Windows startbar all this time. Oh an also because I've been on the net surfing all pages known to man for the past three hours, WTF? But then it all made sense, I wasn't hypnotized, I was in a coma. Anyway who can possibly do an assignment on an empty stomach, so I grab something to eat. While eating, I watch Youtube videos to help pass time and entertain myself.
12am on due day - I finish eating and put my plate away. I come back, put on a serious face and get to work. I know time is scarce and I consistently remind myself that my assignment is due today to prevent further distractions. One by one, everyone in my family starts going to bed. I am disappointed, how can everyone be so selfish? What happened to family? What happened to the moral support they were supposed to give me whilst simultaneously cheering me on all through the night by grabbing chairs and sitting next to me so we can get through this tough times together? It's a bitter feeling, but I take it like a man and continue my work. I am on a roll, I get approximately 300 words done. I am thirsty, my hard work deserves a reward so I get off my seat and grab some water. While gulping down that water, from the corner of my eyes I spot my Playstation 3, bored, cold, and alone, just like me. I sympathize the poor machine, I know how it feels to be abandoned by our loved ones. I decide to keep it company and play a few games for a while, just for a while.
4am on due day - I finish playing and start panicking. I quickly get back to my laptop and burst off faster than a rollerskating ostrich.
6am on due day - 700 words, I'm exhausted. It's been awhile, I should check Facebook and Twitter, might have a notification or message, could be urgent, someone might be dying, can't take the risk. Ahhh yes notifications, ohh, just replies to my birthday wishes on the day, nevermind. Back to work.
6.01am on due day - Stuck in assignment, lacking direction, stares blankly at paper. Without realizing, I suddenly go into deep thought about everything non-related to the assignment, from the creation of the universe, to how the cookie monster discovered his liking for cookies, to the great childhood memories I had beating up kids who stole my lollipop, to the what if''s (eg: what if I was a celebrity, what if I was born in India, etc), to the recalling of what song was I singing in the shower last night, to the I wonder who's using my deodorants behind my back.
7am on due day - I've not written a word. Assignment is due in a few hours, I rinse my face with water, drink something sweet for that added energy, get back to my seat for the umpteenth time, and go crazy, literally crazy. My body takes on autopilot, and every part of my body starts typing to help counter balance that lost time. My head, my fingers, my feet, my tongue, my heart (awwhhh so sweeeet<3), my hump, my hump my hump my hump, whatcha' gonna do with all that junk, all that junk behind that trunk, Imma get get get you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump, my hump, my hump my hump my hump.
Finished! I am done! I grab a piece of paper and express my true feelings so my parents can read them, and then run away from home, break into my neighbour's house and commit suicide jumping off their brand new sofa set from IKEA. Okay no I'm lying, I'm done the assignment, there's a high probability that there is an hour left before it's due. I wanna celebrate, I give a call to my buddies and we decide to go to Vegas. We purchase our plane ticket and take the first ride there. I get too drunk and fall asleep. I wake up 6000 years later with a bad hangover in the middle of a pyramid in Egypt. I see my buddies still sleeping from a distance way, they look like mummies. I freak out, I feared the worst, I proceeded to look at myself, the hair could use some gel, but DAYUMMMM I look good. I wake them up, we are all confused and lost, unable to recall anything that happened 6000 years earlier. We set out to find our way home and help me get my assignment to back my lecturer on time. You never know, 6000 years could just be the time difference between our time zones, I might still make it.
And that kids, was the inspiration behind the future movie, Hangover 3. True story.
