Embarassment

Everybody had an embarrassing moment in their life, a moment so precious, so valuable, that its better if it is just forgotten. Anyway, i just experienced one recently. It all begun when i received a funny text message.

It was from Andres Kokobroom; some bald elf-looking Djiboutian kid i met in ballet class last summer.......ahem, i mean my sister’s ballet class. Anyway we started hanging out and chilling together after learning that we shared the same interests and hobbies. Some of which were, Pokemon hunting, duck-lifting, punching Rihanna and interrupting Taylor Swift in various music awards. It wasn’t before long till we became best of friends. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to roll with a guy who sold Nachos, dressed like Spongebob, while holding a half-empty oxygen tank everytime he went to school.

So anyway, back to the text message. It just so happened that when i received the text message, i was in Miss Sushipasta’s French class. Yeah it seemed that both her parents named her after their favourite food types, and till today she accepts it. Infact, she adores her unique name so much that rumours say she once attempted to pay some film directors to name their movie after her. But then again, rumours also said that Jackie Chan was a 7-foot black man who sold Buritto’s at Taco Bell for a living. So i guess we cant put too much emphasis on rumours. Miss Sushipasta was nicknamed “The Predator”. No, not because she always finished her fellow colleagues lunch’s every single day, but because she always had an eye on students during her lectures, looking out if everyone was paying attention, poaching on every opportunity she gets to set an example out of everyone. Psychics call it “the third eye”, but i believe psychics are hypocrites. If they ever took physics, they would calculate the zero-error involved, which will basically make Miss Sushipasta have 3.142 eyes. Wuhooo, i knew i should’ve taken rocket science, come get me NASA.

So i opened the text message. Kokobroom wrote that he was actually a three-headed alien robotic platypus who came to earth, seeking to destroy all traces of earthlings and conquer our planet to play ping pong with Optimus Prime on Valentine’s day. I started bursting out in laughter almost immediately after reading the message. Then i turned around and looked up, everyone was giving me the “you’re so retarded, if they ever replaced Barney, it would be you” look. Silence, that’s all there was; not a single sound could be heard. Well, that is apart from Miley Cyrus who was performing live 7000 miles away in Japan. Just imagine the pollution contributing to global warming everytime she opened her mouth. Where is the World Health Organization when you need them?

Anyway, upon hearing my laughter, Miss Sushipasta summoned me to stand up and come upfront to the class. She asked me to tell the class what was so funny about her lecture. I remained silent. Then she told me to hand over the cell phone and go to the principles office. Before i left, i was going to make sure i was going to leave with style, quality and excellence. As i walked towards the door, i took a final look back at my “legacy” and flipped my hair to the back as if i was in a hair shampoo commercial for noobs. I started feeling the vibes, i felt like a celebrity, i literally felt i could float in the air like a tissue roll. Ermm, or something like that. KABOOOOSH!!! That was my head hitting the door, i was too distracted by my “fame” that my head accidentally hit the door on my way out, bringing me back down to earth. There it went, my moment of greatness. After i recovered, I immediately zoomed out of the class faster than Vin Diesel driving a 5-year-old secondhand rusty Caravan from Ebay...

You really wanna know?

So, if you have been paying attention to Facebook recently. Some people have been posting lame shit like a pic asking "If i were to die tomorrow what would you say to me today?" Like the pic above. Seriously, has the world run out of questions to ask? Or are the lives of the people who post this shit really sad, and that they are just attention deprived? Anyway, simply because I have nothing to write on and also because i get an opportunity to take a swipe on these losers, im going to share things i would probably say if someone ever asked me this question...



1) I slept with ur boyfriend last night. Don’t worry, after your gone i promise i’ll take good care of him...:)

2) Don’t worry you're in safe hands, i heard god is “pro-condom”. Well, at least thats what my ancestors said. But then again, they also said that Jackie Chan was a 7-foot black man who sold chicken wings in Taco Bell for a living...

3) According to suicide statistics, Monday is the favored day for self-destruction...

4) Did you know? The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache...

5) Remember ur doctor, Mr. Ramanamanaidu Vellusamy? Yeah i spoke to him....erm, it seems that when he told you that you had 4 more months, he was actually speaking of the time you had left to pay the bill before he called some transexual guys to beat the shit outta you............on the bed of course...

6) Uhmm, i duno how to say this, but i was at ur house just now. I sorta lighted a match and ur house blew up :S....But heyyy, u were going to die anyway, might as well take ur house with you. You know, since robberies are on a rise and all...

7) Hey look at the bright side, you're not gonna die today. Wuhooo lets celebrate!! Let’s go to my friends place for a drink. He was just released from prison today after spending 12 years in prison for killing a guy who was was planning to die the day after he actually got manslaughtered. Im pretty sure he still has the corpse, maybe you guys can share some stories...

8) Dear ____, i always had feelings for you. You are a living part of me. I need you like heart needs a beat, like a leg needs a feet, like fly needs a piece of shit. Anyway could you sign these papers, it says here that after u die, you agree that i get to keep the money from your insurance company...

9) Alright man, wadeva, catch you later...ciao...

10) OHEMGEE! Ur dying? Awwhh don't worry about it, i heard McDonald's charge at a lower rate if you're "out of this world"...

11) Cool, send my regards to MJ and Heath Ledger, also tell them to check their inbox, i sent them a mail cause Facebook was on server maintainance...

12) Man your life is pathetic, the first and only chick you ever banged, turned out to be a Vietnamese hooker with AIDS. Looks like she spread to you more than just some “love”...

13) With that face? Its a miracle you’re only dying after 21 years...

14) So you are planning to commit suicide because you drank too much, hatched the wrong egg, and made a 350-pound girl pregnant on a one night stand? And now her parents wants you to marry her? Maybe you should have stopped buying “merchandise” from the sperm bank when i told you so...

15) Don’t worry, i’ll tell the papers that you want the “sports” section. Yes yes, size 12, Times New Roman, MLA format....i know! FUCK OFF!

16) So smoking finally caught up with you eh? I couldn’t care less, just don’t leave ur cigarette ends on the floor, the cockroaches may die of cancer. The last thing we want is the mortality rate of innocent cockroaches to be on the rise...

New Year's Resolutions

I noe i noe, u guys must be really shocked. I mean 2 posts in one day? Nowonder the United States of America has a black president. Hold ur horses little ones, the reason im doing this is because I just thought by making another post today, it would keep u guys busy and entertained till 2012, my next post. So anyway, i know its kinda late for this, but u noe since a bunch of my peeps have asked me for this and also i kinda got tired of writing the same shit over and over, i thought i just post it in this blog, where no one reads.....u see wad i mean?

So here we go, my top resolutions for 2010, (honestly, deep inside, i noe u dun give a shit, ur just bored so ur reading this, welcome to the club) the year of the Pikachu....

1) To gain a few pounds so people can distinguish between me and a flagpole.
-Most celebrities have look a likes, for example, my neighbour, my maid and my dog. On the other hand, my look alike is...yes, a flag pole. Geez, and u thought ur life was sad...

2) Speak 50 different languages, im almost there, i can speak 6 already.
-In almost 20 years of life, i have learned to speak Punjabi, Chinese, Malay, Hindi, English and Crap-anese. So that means, if i dun die at 30 with a broken penis, i prolly still have 60 more years to learn Spanish, Italian, French, German, Djiboutianese, Taiwanese, Japanese, Yourmum-ese, Pokemonian, and etc. One language that has always caught my eye, is "Sean-Paul-ish", nope...not Jamaican, Sean-Paul-ish. That guy had so many top 10 songs, and every single one of em, i have no fucking idea wtf is he saying (Im pretty sure im not the oni one).....I oni listen to it because the song sounds really cool, everytime i try to focus on the lyrics, it sounds like something Miley Cyrus would say when she's munching Wang Wang (that overrated and hyped up Chinese biscuit that is believed to give u divine powers after every bite) while doing karaoke. No actually on second thought, i dun even think the Wang Wang is necessary, just give her the mic and u'll noe wad i mean...

3) Undergo sex change repeatedly to confuse the government......and myself...
-No comments...

4) Work out in the gym, building on my "Gunz & Roses" (my twig-like biceps)
-You see, i have come to a sudden realization that "The Rolling Stones" at the lower half of my body are larger than my biceps. And i believe its a time for rebellion, a time for revolution, a time for change. I have a dream.....all black people of the United Sta.....no seriously, i had a dream, that one day, all fag-like humans will come to terms with their "assets" and try to find a balance between their biceps (the chick magnet) and balls (the real chick magnet).

5) Quit drinking
-As many of you have already known, plain water kills brain cells and has various other side effects. So stay away from that shit or it could end ur life at an early age. Just look at how some people who died from this cause, Thomas Jefferson, Heath ledger and Sadam Hussein are just a few of the casualties. So stay away from dat shit, dun say i didn't warn u...

6) Quit doing drugs
-Hey my case is not so severe and chronic like most people, all i smoked was Pot, Crack, Heroin, Ice, Shroom, Weed, Speed, Coke, Steroids, Talwin, Khat, Hasish, Morphine, Benzocaine, Amphytomine, Peyote and Acid. Yeah but u see, ive stopped, ive been clean for quite some time now. I've not touched a single pill in the last 4 minutes...

7) Stop bullshitting and be more serious in life...
-Hmmm, ermmm........nah, ill pass this one...

8) Conserve more water.
-In this modern era, the exponential growth of mankind has led to an abundant consumption of water. We all noe water is a source of renewable energy, but its gonna run out one day. The question is not "Is water ever gonna run out?", but its "when?" Its oni about time. To help save water, I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible, drink 8 glasses of my own saliva instead of drinking water, pea on my car...its just as effective, Use my neighbours water supply by connecting a drain pipe on his water tank when he's sleeping, and of course i will buy more Kung Fu DVD's, so i can learn the art of mastering a superpower. I mean if chinaman can fly, shoot poison needles, produce tornadoes, and fire hadoukens (better knowns as abugeh)....im sure creating water shouldnt be much of a problem...

9) Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.
-Lets just say the moral of the story was, "Dun ever slap the judge in his face after peeing on him"......all i can say is, 62 years gonna be a long time. Especially without a parole...

10) I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet.
-This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I could never afford a clock. I come from a poor family, we suffered alot of hardship growing up. My dad drove an ugly 2 door car called Ferrari, while my mum painted herself black daily and renamed herself Oprah. I watched tv for the first time when i was 16. I married 4 women by 28 and produced a cricket team hoping to earn some quick cash cultivating the farms, but to no avail. So the next time u guys see me, have some sympathy and "donate" me some much needed cash, all donations are much appreciated. After all, remember the good times? *empty flashback*

11) NOT interrupt Taylor Swift if she is making an acceptance speech at a music awards.
-I cant make any promises, and i certainly won't make any promises. But i promise i'll try.

12) To avoid having 8 kids just to get a reality TV show.
-Err, anyone have a big trash can? I got some "stuff" to throw out...

13) See Michael Jackson live in concert. What? He died? How come there was no media coverage?
-OMG, i just found out :O....my condolences, RIP MJ, RIP...

14) Learn to speak Russian in French...
-The day u discover such a thing, be sure to let me noe...

That's all i got....peace.

Beer Is Not The Answer

Yesterday, i went to a club for the first time since i was 7 and got kicked out of the chess club for playing Tic-Tac-Toe on the chessboard. So anyway, the reason i went there was to conduct a survey on the number of homosexuals that have unprotected sex in the club toilet on special occasions (it was 11 months after Chinese New Year, had to do something with Feng Shui), it was for my Social Science project. Okay fine, i was just curious what do homo's do for pastime, maybe i could pick up a trick or two.

So anyway, as i made my way through the harsh conditions and treacherous terrains ("chicks" with dicks).....i met a few of my mates. (i figured the type of friends i have would explain the reason im gay).........So they invited me to have a seat and drink a few bottles of beer. I got petrified!! No, not because i was afraid they would spike my drink and rape me afterwards, but because im against killing animals.

What??? You guys didn't noe too?? Okay fine, lemme explain.....you see, when animals are killed by terrorists such as the Al-Qaeda, Al-Kaboom and Al-youdoissitathomeandwatchtv....they are sent to Vietnamese (they were born specialized in this field) butchers to chop their meat into confetti, okay maybe slightly bigger. Anyway, then, the meat is sent to frustrated emo people who hate their pathetic lives willing to do almost anything against religion to gain happiness for themselves while disappointing others, to squeeze the juice outta the meat (psychologists recommended this to reduce the numbers of slit wrists suicides to help promote a more creative and yet innovative way to hate yourself) Finally, the juice is sent to farmers to add in some cheap rejected fertilizers to give it its taste. And WALAAA!! Thats how u get beer. This is no joke, i read it on "www.thisisajokeforfuckssakegogetafuckinglife.com/?v=feed&story_fbid=231973541887"

If u still dun believe me, ill give u a few examples of beers:

Tiger Beer-Now why would beer, be named after a tiger? Think about it...

Anchor Beer-An anchor is used on a wad? A ship, and a ship used on a wad? The sea....and the sea has wad? Animals.....duhhh?

Heineken-Rhymes with chicken...

Guiness Stout-Tyrannosaurus Rex.....Guiness Stout......Tyrannosaurus Rex....see the resemblance? No? Okay try this....put up ur left hand and have a good look at it. Okay....now put ur right hand up and slap ur parents faces for me for giving birth to such useless children, i mean it, okay i was just kidding, but if ur curious, go ahead and do it with style quality and excellence. Okay so as i was saying, look at ur left hand, then look at ur right hand.....see wad i mean? Its all simple fundamentals of "look-at-ur-left-hand-then-look-at-ur-right-hand-onology"

Carlsberg-Two reasons:
1) Carlsberg is a branch from Burger King, and we all noe what Burger King have.....no seriously, what do they have? Ive not been there in quite a while. If anyone knows please email me at JassuDoggIsFly@hotmail.com....
2) Jackie Chan's father's name was Doucheberg Vallentino Chan......and he's Chinese, which explains alot really.....its a known fact that Chinese eat everything.

Singha Beer-Singha Beer is a Thai beer made for people who are too poor and too cheap to spend for quality beer as its made from the most softest of animals so its usua.....WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! Nowonder my kind (singh's) are on a brink of extinction from the face of this planet. Animals eh, wow.....our social hierarchy must have really dropped.

I gotta go, looks like the Thai people have some explaining to do....