LosT

I’m writing this after returning from a death defying event that took place today, I went back to The City That Never Sleeps on a one day trip. On my way back here, I bought a ticket on a “Luxury Cruise” from JB to Subang. The reason I didn’t take a rocket was simply because
1) Its Tom Cruise not Tom Rocket (Nothing related to my topic)
2) It was Earth Day; we are supposed to use the stuff INSIDE earth (“Michael Earth’s” real reason to create Earth Day). Rockets are usually outside of earth, so we are encouraged to use up the earth’s resources as much as possible on this day.

So as i was saying, there were quite a huge number of people in the ship, apart from the captain, who was a 4-year-old boy that was allowed to take over his father’s job for a day because his father was “entertaining some clients”, there was me.... and a black Mauritanian guy who took a breather from serving bah kut teh at a strip club to the elephant seals that took vacation from their stressful lives in California after being forced to watch "The OC" from the newly launched 150'' plasma screen Panasonic TV which was given to them by their village head (a head of a dead seal) because of presumed good behaviour.......

Half way into the trip and everything was going perfectly as planned, the captain died of “old age”, the ship hit an iceberg and broke into half (nono, an iceberg in Malaysia doesn’t prove that climate change is occurring, rather this was caused by “urbanization”, modern technology has allowed even icebergs to have wheels to travel on their own), and a huge thunderstorm started to fall, causing only the half of the ship that we were in to burn (the rain was racist) with “style”, “quality”, and ‘’excellence.”

We had no choice but to jump down into the dark, freezing and gloomy ocean, we just swam randomly as we were pretty much lost for directions,.......As we went on swimming, we saw 2 patrolling policemen just a few feet ahead of us, they asked us if we wanted a ride, the black dude took our bags of basic survival kits and slammed it across their faces, they couldn’t actually see the black guy, so all they could see was floating objects hitting them, they zoomed away in horror......why didn’t we ask for their help u ask? Well the answer is simple; they were “Malaysian Officers”....so there was a humongous probability that they were more lost than we were.

As we went on swimming, we saw a large fin just above the water level, we wasn’t sure what it really was, at first we thought it was a shark but we then thought rationally that there is a possibility that it could be a goldfish wearing a shark costume from “Topman”....the next thing I knew was that the fish pulled the Mauritanian guy underwater and ate him alive (not really eat him alive, I meant the shark ate him while he was listening to the POD song “alive” when he was actually dead after seeing “The Fin”-Latest movie that’s going to hit popcorn stalls near u)

Judging from the fish’s jumping height, hundreds of its razor sharp teeth, its greyish-blue body and its 30 foot long body; it could not possibly be a shark, so I concluded that it was a goldfish. After walloping the black dude, the “goldfish” started to chase after me, I knew I could outrun it that’s why I decided not to run because “it wouldn’t be a challenge”, so I decided to do the next best thing, I took out the chocolate-flavoured Oreo biscuit that was sacredly kept inside the locket that was given to me by my mother when I was young. So as the fish opened its hygienic mouth (smelled of Listerine), I threw the Oreo biscuit and observed the magic.....almost immediately, I could see the effects of the biscuit, it became so tame that it wouldn’t even hurt an ant (most probably because an ant lives outside of the sea)....so I named the goldfish “PINKY” simply because it wasn’t pink (great reason to give your child this name), I hitched a ride on Pinkie (I decided to change its name because when i called up the immigration office they told me the name Pinky was used by some Malay guy called “Muhammad Pinky bin Muhammad Pinkypinky”)

So, a few minutes later we approached an abandon island called “Is (not) land” – My Indian friend “India Jones” told me so, Pinkie dropped me there before disappearing into a giant whirlpool that “spinned its head right round right round, when its going down, when its going down down.” I decided to explore the island so I headed into the deep forests through the bushes. As I fatigue-ly made my way to the treacherous terrains and harsh conditions while breaking branches and long leafs using a butter knife, I became hungry as the knife reminded me of food. So I decided to stop by one of those McDonald “walk-through” outlets, I placed my order and started eating as soon as i got my food. I sat with 2 guys, one named J.W.W Birch and the other was called Maharaja Lela, it seemed they were both renowned in Malaysian history and that they both were presumed dead a long time ago. I asked them why didn’t they want to show their face, the replied “Stupid Malaysian’s made up their own stories about us, leaving us both embarrassed and insulted” Lela went on, “In Malaysian books, they wrote about how evil and cruel was Birch, but the fact of the matter is, Birch was only sadistic, all he wanted was to see others suffer, he did not ask much.” Birch followed on “And Lela was celebrated for killing me when I was taking a shower, how can people celebrate when it makes Lela feel like such a coward and a pussy.” So after i nearly died out of boredom from listening to these 200 year old, old hags, I ate and moved on to eat another day, or hour......

Hours passed and I finally made it out on the other side of the forest, and almost immediately I was faced with another problem, I was attacked by a carnivorous and lethal flesh-eating butterfly. Fortunately I had my butter knife and French toast to match its butter spitting ability, so I could spread the butter on the toast and eat it later. After 2 hours of battle, the number of butterflies doubled.....it got out of hand for me, there was just too many.....so I had no choice but to run. I kept on running until I ran into a tribe called the “Kukukaka tribe” (Story goes that the named originated when a boy was hit on the head by an arrow, literally, so he had a bruise and walllaaaa!!) So anyway, these tribal people came to my aid and used their 15-foot tongues to suck the butterflies until they were all gone (there were only 2) I thanked them for their help and I think they said I was welcomed (all they did was roll their tongue and made funny noises that are usually made by monkeys....just in time one of them stepped forward and interpreted each and every word for me, he claimed to be a Harvard graduate and showed me his PhD in Medicine....So he explained to me in English about his tribe, it seemed that their god or goddess is some fat women called Queen Latifah (never heard of her), they have posters of her all around their location, yes including the toilet bowls (the place where I got my haircut from)

I told them that I was tired and I needed to a place to stay for a day, I ask them where would be a good place to set camp...they told me that there was a FREE-FOR-ALL hotel just 10 meters ahead.....so when I reached the hotel I set camp right beside of it (-.-)......I woke up the following day and to my goodwill and luck, I met the famous legend and wrestler “Jimmy Snuka Superfly”, the fly words said it all, I took some diesel oil and stuffed it into his mouth, i sat on him and slapped his face until we started flying............we went on all the way until we reached Subang (use SHELL V-POWER for best results)....and here I am now telling you’ll what happened..... Boredom Kills.......

Signing Off......

AlienS

Last night....the most unbelievable thing happened to me (yes yes even more unbelievable than the time i made a joke and no one laughed).......i was abducted.....but i was not abducted by just some random nasi lemak seller or some Arabian mechanic who found out that the reason his child ran away from home was not because of the DEC 26 Tsunami, rather it was because he used cowdung mixed with chocolate syrup as his underarm spray as he was prejudiced against most sprays especially after the "Gatsby mohawk commercial"........i was abducted by ALIENS......

After hearing this, I know most of you'll would be full of tears and thinking in your heads "Owh why god? Why...didn't you take me instead of Jas.....why can't you leave that poor soul alone after all he's been through"...........all wishing at this moment that I'm safe and sound especially after you'll heard over the news about "How it was alien orangutans fault not Osama Bin Laden's fault of crashing the planes into the World Trade Center on 9-11" and also "Obama is a hyper-mutated alien that has been created for a mission to act like he cares about The United States Of America when the main priority is to make the USA a beer producing source to COLGATE (name of the alien planet as Mars was too commonly known as the name of a chocolate)"

Well if this is how you think about aliens then I'm here NOT to correct you.......aliens are the 3rd most "understood" beings in the universe only after SASH-quatch's and Siberian Unicorns.......anyway lemme tell you'll my "much awaited" story first....

It was a dark and windy night, the storm was "thunder-ous" and the rain was falling like "bats and cows".....i was "carrying out research" on the three hundred thousand different types of "stoning" postures........then out of the blue i heard a loud THUMP above my head and started to feel raindrops on my skin.......the hair (on my arms and legs) was soaking wet.....and stylish....so i took advantage of the opportunity and used my cheap hand phone to grab a picture of myself and posted it on the "Pantene" and "Rejoice" website as they were looking for "female" hair models and they don't come harrier than King Kong himself......

So after that i looked up and saw this "gigantic flying sausage" a.k.a UFO (Unsuckable Flying Object).......its was a rare scene, it only occurs once in a "purple" moon (blue is rare, but purple is....), It even had my picture on top of it........this was one of the two reason that made me think that my dad had bought me an "imported car" for me......the other reason was that my birthday had just passed (3 months ago)........so i jumped in joy and excitement.....i later found out that my jumping was the cause of the 6.5 magnitude earthquake in Italy.......

The aliens detected my activity and "sucked me up into their hole (spaceship)"......i knocked out and the next thing i knew....i was tied from head to toe......i tried searching for other victims just like me but i couldn't see anyone....i glanced at my shirt and saw a number on it...it was 349......just then.....someone or rather something entered the room........this was the first time I've came across and met face to face with an alien......it looked exactly like us humans, it had 3 eyes, no nose and teeth made out of blueberries........it introduced itself as "Big Nose".......i enquired the reason of my capture and and it told me that i was captured to spit out the secret formula of the ever-so-famous "capati" as they wanted to modify their "flying sausage" into a "flying capati" as capati had less resistance and a more streamlined body....reducing friction......It referred to me as "subject 349" (i wonder why? o.O)....... i knew if i had given them the formula, they would have turned me into a sausage and eaten me anyways..so i thought of a plan while searching for objects that will allow me to escape....then i realised that the stuff used to tie me up was Jelly.......i started biting my way outta it and Big Nose started feeling insecure and threatened.......it hit the "panic button on its forehead"......hundreds of similar looking beings started storming into the room......fortunately "Chow Yunn Fart" came, he farted his way to my help after getting direct orders from "William Hung" who worked in the secret service......Chow released his most-valuable-farts through "Fart Fu"(the real reason he was paid to act) which suffocated the aliens to near-death......the aliens couldn't take it anymore so they released both of us and flew off.......

I made it down safely but unfortunately Chow didn't...he ran out of farts as all the Char Kuey Teow in his body was used up.......i went back home and continued my stoning......but one thing couldn't get off my mind.......where was everyone else when this occurred? I switched on my TV to find out.....i flipped the channel to animal planet and got my answer........It turned out most people died after eating the Canadian Pizza's i served during the Hear Us Out 2 conference yesterday, and the ones that didn't attend just died...of boredom.....

Signing off.........

CuriositY

Since i was born...everywhere i went, people always gave me a certain look, the look of disambiguation, the look of curiosity. I use to moderately understand the reason people do that when i had my turban.......but minutes, hours, days...heck light years passed but i still got the same look except until now. Due to my own curiosity of others, i hired specialists from secret agencies to spy and have a lookout on these people for me. I also hired Mark L. Whalberg, the host of the show "The Moment Of Truth" (catch it every Thursday at 10pm..only on Star World) to invite those people that are also known as "tomato-flavoured-hornbil-like-weirdos" that my spies suspected and sent to interview them on the reasons of their look on me. (The magic that make some people do nearly absolutely anything for a RM 0.50 grand prize)......

So after close inspection and major issue analysis, Mark concluded and told me three possible reasons of the look on peoples faces when they see me....which was:

1) Because of my freakishly long Brontosaurus-like neck
2) Because of my mean and push-over attitude towards others and also my larger than life cat walking ability

When these results were sent to my private scientists, they were relatively confident with their inference that it was reason number two that was the root cause of my problems. Because of the sources of bias that could have occurred by my sampling technique, i wasn't satisfied with the results....therefore i sent my results to be a question on the Mozambique version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", hoping for the person taking on the questions for the cash will use one of his lifelines to confirm my confirmation.

Sure enough, the player used his "audience'' lifeline for the question.....and majority of the audience also gave reason number two for the "looks"....you might be wondering how on earth would the audience know the answer to that question when probably most of them had never seen me before.........well this is because 97% of the people in the audience were my own family members........

So let me take this opportunity to explain my reasons for being such a push-over, having a mean attitude and incredible cat-walking ability........

I was born in the mean streets of central Chicago, better known as "the GHETTO".......Originally, i was not born there, i was actually born in the exact same place where u all are from...Malaysia .........because of my "giant double-Decker-bus-like-brain" and also because of a super genius termite that created the worlds first ever human teleporting machine........i was teleported to Chicago through a portal from another dimension and switched places with a black kid that could play basketball and defeat the Los Angelas Lakers by doing "freestyle-crawling" since the second he "dunked" out of his mothers stomach by himself.

So during my childhood, or more specifically, i was dealing drugs with my homies since i was 7 months old........i became one of the gangsters that ruled the street with just my toe at just the age of 2 during my surprise birthday party....Soon enough (2 hours later), i became a drug lord and a top dog in the state...i became notorious and was feared by almost everyone including baby birds (usually fly away when i come close)........My habits kept getting from bad to worse as i grew older....from manslaughter to conducting killing-spree's, i started using lethal weapons such as clogged up tissue papers to attempt first degree murder.......my life spent goodwill and charity was soon rewarded with me being the "face" and being on the front page cover of the "Americas Most Wanted Baby That Was Teleported From Malaysia" book by Angelina Jolie (who happened to be a fan of "imported" babies")............i headlined every news from Paris to Berlin until it came to a point that the G8 had to meet up and take action against me........first they listed me 2ND on the "Top 10 Most Threatening People Ever" ahead of "So-Dumb Hussein" and behind "Oh-sama-sama-Dustbin Laden"....then they plan the largest catch in history as combinely they brought more than 42,000 soldiers to lock me up in a cell........

I manage to get through a few (41,999) of them except one.......he was called "Superman".......rumours claimed that he had superhuman strength and laser-shooting eyes........i and him had a fist fight...but in the end it was a no contest. His external underwear was just too good a fight for me......so i was captured and locked up in "Azkaban"......and was knowned as "The Prisoner Of Azkaban"(i wonder why).........

Years passed and a white-and-nerdy looking guy called "Extremely-Harry-Potter" helped me break out of prison after watching more than 200 episodes of "Prison Break" and "Desperate Housebabies". Security was just far too tight and therefore Harry got caught and was sent to "Lord Voltage-mord" to deal with.....whereas i was killed by a giant swinging axe that chopped my neck completely......people say that when i lost my head, i was catwalking better than "Tyra Moss" and "Kate Banks" combined.......my picture was shot and was the theme for the upcoming "Victoria's Secret Fashion Show".....

Anyway i was killed but after 276hours of reconstructive surgery, doctors manage to fix everything except my neck that was outstretched 20-foot during the procedure......I was ecstatic to have another chance in living...i wanted to start fresh......i wanted to thank god for this opportunity and start fresh....i wanted to turn over a new leaf and change...starting off with my "Plain White Clothes" in the hospital....

Therefore i started visiting a famous astronomer who said i had only one way to heal from my past....which was to be lame...I started researching on Lame-nology from libraries to bookstores, from strawberries to wild boars.........And finally on the 5Th of January of 2008, i was knighted by the queen of England am now knowned as "The Lame Guru"...

Signing off......