LosT

I’m writing this after returning from a death defying event that took place today, I went back to The City That Never Sleeps on a one day trip. On my way back here, I bought a ticket on a “Luxury Cruise” from JB to Subang. The reason I didn’t take a rocket was simply because
1) Its Tom Cruise not Tom Rocket (Nothing related to my topic)
2) It was Earth Day; we are supposed to use the stuff INSIDE earth (“Michael Earth’s” real reason to create Earth Day). Rockets are usually outside of earth, so we are encouraged to use up the earth’s resources as much as possible on this day.

So as i was saying, there were quite a huge number of people in the ship, apart from the captain, who was a 4-year-old boy that was allowed to take over his father’s job for a day because his father was “entertaining some clients”, there was me.... and a black Mauritanian guy who took a breather from serving bah kut teh at a strip club to the elephant seals that took vacation from their stressful lives in California after being forced to watch "The OC" from the newly launched 150'' plasma screen Panasonic TV which was given to them by their village head (a head of a dead seal) because of presumed good behaviour.......

Half way into the trip and everything was going perfectly as planned, the captain died of “old age”, the ship hit an iceberg and broke into half (nono, an iceberg in Malaysia doesn’t prove that climate change is occurring, rather this was caused by “urbanization”, modern technology has allowed even icebergs to have wheels to travel on their own), and a huge thunderstorm started to fall, causing only the half of the ship that we were in to burn (the rain was racist) with “style”, “quality”, and ‘’excellence.”

We had no choice but to jump down into the dark, freezing and gloomy ocean, we just swam randomly as we were pretty much lost for directions,.......As we went on swimming, we saw 2 patrolling policemen just a few feet ahead of us, they asked us if we wanted a ride, the black dude took our bags of basic survival kits and slammed it across their faces, they couldn’t actually see the black guy, so all they could see was floating objects hitting them, they zoomed away in horror......why didn’t we ask for their help u ask? Well the answer is simple; they were “Malaysian Officers”....so there was a humongous probability that they were more lost than we were.

As we went on swimming, we saw a large fin just above the water level, we wasn’t sure what it really was, at first we thought it was a shark but we then thought rationally that there is a possibility that it could be a goldfish wearing a shark costume from “Topman”....the next thing I knew was that the fish pulled the Mauritanian guy underwater and ate him alive (not really eat him alive, I meant the shark ate him while he was listening to the POD song “alive” when he was actually dead after seeing “The Fin”-Latest movie that’s going to hit popcorn stalls near u)

Judging from the fish’s jumping height, hundreds of its razor sharp teeth, its greyish-blue body and its 30 foot long body; it could not possibly be a shark, so I concluded that it was a goldfish. After walloping the black dude, the “goldfish” started to chase after me, I knew I could outrun it that’s why I decided not to run because “it wouldn’t be a challenge”, so I decided to do the next best thing, I took out the chocolate-flavoured Oreo biscuit that was sacredly kept inside the locket that was given to me by my mother when I was young. So as the fish opened its hygienic mouth (smelled of Listerine), I threw the Oreo biscuit and observed the magic.....almost immediately, I could see the effects of the biscuit, it became so tame that it wouldn’t even hurt an ant (most probably because an ant lives outside of the sea)....so I named the goldfish “PINKY” simply because it wasn’t pink (great reason to give your child this name), I hitched a ride on Pinkie (I decided to change its name because when i called up the immigration office they told me the name Pinky was used by some Malay guy called “Muhammad Pinky bin Muhammad Pinkypinky”)

So, a few minutes later we approached an abandon island called “Is (not) land” – My Indian friend “India Jones” told me so, Pinkie dropped me there before disappearing into a giant whirlpool that “spinned its head right round right round, when its going down, when its going down down.” I decided to explore the island so I headed into the deep forests through the bushes. As I fatigue-ly made my way to the treacherous terrains and harsh conditions while breaking branches and long leafs using a butter knife, I became hungry as the knife reminded me of food. So I decided to stop by one of those McDonald “walk-through” outlets, I placed my order and started eating as soon as i got my food. I sat with 2 guys, one named J.W.W Birch and the other was called Maharaja Lela, it seemed they were both renowned in Malaysian history and that they both were presumed dead a long time ago. I asked them why didn’t they want to show their face, the replied “Stupid Malaysian’s made up their own stories about us, leaving us both embarrassed and insulted” Lela went on, “In Malaysian books, they wrote about how evil and cruel was Birch, but the fact of the matter is, Birch was only sadistic, all he wanted was to see others suffer, he did not ask much.” Birch followed on “And Lela was celebrated for killing me when I was taking a shower, how can people celebrate when it makes Lela feel like such a coward and a pussy.” So after i nearly died out of boredom from listening to these 200 year old, old hags, I ate and moved on to eat another day, or hour......

Hours passed and I finally made it out on the other side of the forest, and almost immediately I was faced with another problem, I was attacked by a carnivorous and lethal flesh-eating butterfly. Fortunately I had my butter knife and French toast to match its butter spitting ability, so I could spread the butter on the toast and eat it later. After 2 hours of battle, the number of butterflies doubled.....it got out of hand for me, there was just too many.....so I had no choice but to run. I kept on running until I ran into a tribe called the “Kukukaka tribe” (Story goes that the named originated when a boy was hit on the head by an arrow, literally, so he had a bruise and walllaaaa!!) So anyway, these tribal people came to my aid and used their 15-foot tongues to suck the butterflies until they were all gone (there were only 2) I thanked them for their help and I think they said I was welcomed (all they did was roll their tongue and made funny noises that are usually made by monkeys....just in time one of them stepped forward and interpreted each and every word for me, he claimed to be a Harvard graduate and showed me his PhD in Medicine....So he explained to me in English about his tribe, it seemed that their god or goddess is some fat women called Queen Latifah (never heard of her), they have posters of her all around their location, yes including the toilet bowls (the place where I got my haircut from)

I told them that I was tired and I needed to a place to stay for a day, I ask them where would be a good place to set camp...they told me that there was a FREE-FOR-ALL hotel just 10 meters ahead.....so when I reached the hotel I set camp right beside of it (-.-)......I woke up the following day and to my goodwill and luck, I met the famous legend and wrestler “Jimmy Snuka Superfly”, the fly words said it all, I took some diesel oil and stuffed it into his mouth, i sat on him and slapped his face until we started flying............we went on all the way until we reached Subang (use SHELL V-POWER for best results)....and here I am now telling you’ll what happened..... Boredom Kills.......

Signing Off......