AngeR

A week ago when i went back to The City That Never Sleeps to take my driving test.....for the 3rd time. (only pro's reach 3) Everybody told me that the third time's the "harm". Therefore i was all out in proving everybody wrong by showing them my capability. This time, i maked sure that there were no holes or gaps in my effort to "victory". I went to a Feng Shui master that came down from China to pay a visit to the Chinese-people's Unused-organs Muzium (aka CUM) to check the condition of the kidney that he donated 75 years ago. Anyway, as i was saying, i asked him for some help and tips on passing my exam, and so he gave me 3 things to do....

The first thing he wanted me to do was to add the sum of all the age of my family members and relatives all around the world and divide the answer by the number of "pink blood cells" in my body (I had to check with Muhammad Pinky bin Muhammad Pinkypinky, refer to previous post) Then, get an empty table, place 6 tomatoes on the table and count how many tomatoes are there altogether. (This was a tough one because I kept loosing count after 2) And so after the help of a "Perodua calculator", i obtained the answer 9........and so i asked him what was the reason of carrying out the first method of calculating age/ pink blood cells........he told me it was to protect me from the eyes of evil baboons that wanted to live peacefully without the disruption of their natural habitat (Inti College)...

The second thing was much more simpler, he told me that when i go for the exam, i should cut off one third of my jeans and expose my unsmooth, hairy and unsilky legs of mine to the officer in charge so he gets "distracted". He also told me to use the shampoo "Leg and Shoulders" to help maintain the "power, precision, accuracy, consistency, wisdom, intellectual, intelligence, strength, dextility and agility" of the leg which was number one FHM (Fucking Hairy Monster) magazine's Top 10 legs in the world.

The third and final thing he asked me to do was to go meet his close friend, who was supposedly a local bomoh. I told him about all the hype that was going around the media regarding bomoh's and that i was scared of getting raped, he quicky discouraged my thought and corrected my mistake about bomoh's. He added that the real reason people go visit bomoh's was to BOrrow MOney Honey (BOMOH) Since there was alotta charges involved as i had to pay the flight charge, service charge, exam charge and "Nokia Charger", i decided to listen to his advice.

So it was the day of my exam, and i carried out every single thing the chinaman told me....and still i FAILED...It was so obvious that the malay officer in duty of deciding whether i pass or fail was racist, all i did was show him the "No-Hand-Trick" as i was on the phone with my African pen-pal named Nakunda, and at the same time consistently taking Twisties from the packet the officer was holding that was bought from "Guinness SDN.BHD." There was no reason for him to fail me, he was definately bias in race as he knew no malay fellow could do what i did, because it required style, quality and excellence......BTW did i mention that i knocked two people down along the way...

So after i came out of the vehicle, sad and depressed, i took a seat while waiting for the people to confirm my failure......in that time, i met this 6 foot 5 inches, 400 pound, tiger ahem... i mean "thai girl". It turned out that she passed because when she sat in the Kancil, the car "couldnt move".......they concluded that it was the gear problem and passed her automatically.......although the Kancil was "manual". So i told her the reason of my failure, and suddenly her face expression completely changed. She looked like she wanted to eat.....but i had "No-Eye-Deer"........She demanded and asked me why didnt i performed the "capati chop" to the officer.......and that i should have killed that sucker.

I peacefully explained to her the reason of me not reacting. I explained to her Newton's Third Law which says "every action has an equal and opposite reaction". So if i capati chopped that dude, one less capati would remain in the world, therefore increasing the capati mortality rate of Malaysia, potentially leading to a deflation in economy. Another reason was because i had quit fighting after Middle School. I used to be part of a gang called "Cicak Hitam". Our gang was so renowned for our beating that even Tuvalu gained independence....informally. (By watching the independence day celebration of USA on TV) Anyway, our gang did not whack the shit outta people, nono dun misunderstand, we only operated in whooping the candy asses of chicken buttz because the Bird Flu lost out on the epidemic disease ranking to the Swine Flu, better known as H1N1. I was the leader of the pack, the "alpha male", so much so that i was called "Taugeh" (because of the similarities shared between the vege and me)

So after we finished breaking chicken bones, sucking ice-cream cones, imagining sex and checking the "POKEdex", the Malaysian government introduced the "Malaysian Chicken Right Act 1997" to prevent anymore chickens from being "gang-raped". The law was so strict that it carried a penalty of studying one hour a day, which was Crucifixion in my terms, it was torturous. Because of that harsh penalty, all of us in the gang decided to take a break and find something else to do......It was not as easy as we first thought as it was an addiction.

Then one day, as i was sitting on my "Thinking Chair" (Blues Clues), something hit me, no seriously..something hit me.....i only managed to glance at it, and i thought it was a Boeng 747, I'm not really sure because it was too "small" to be seen....After it knocked my head conscious, i figured something out......why break bones and get tired of it when i can just do it while relax-singh, by eating ready-made, packed and defrosted chickens.

Because of my addiction, my father got worried as well. And so "my father wants to make me go to rehab and i say no no no"..........Just when i thought id con"vince-carter"ed my dad, my mum forced me to change my mind, she threatened to use the 15cm plastic ruler and beat me up, i was terrified and so i agreed. "I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end it didn even matter." So i registered my self into that shit hole hoping it will have some affect on me. One day as i was learning how to cook mutton curry, i met "Cookie Monster" from Sesame Street, who was well knowned for his anger management problems as well. He made the cookies and i made the curry, together we invented "Cookie Curry". Which was the lyrics of Britney Spears hit single "Circus"........................"Theres only two types of curries in the world, ones that are cookies and the other are girls"

So after a looong six hours in rehab, i figured i was ready to face the world, as a new and improved man, "The Rehab-er" (Coming Soon, in theatres near you). So now I'm the patient man that i am, which explained why am i always so chilled and relaxed. I explained to her everything from A to Z until we didn realise that 4 days 5 nights had passed before us. Finally she asked me how can she control her anger and emotions, i just told her to purchase a Play Station 3 controller, available at any mamak stall around the country.

Signing Off......