ExTurbanatioN

Exturbanation refers to a process when someone with a TURBAN (aka bluetooth/wifi/satellite/compass/any type of ball u want/tomato/compass/onion/etc) loses his (usually men) turban into the oblivion. In other words, a turbanator become into an exturbanator. Exturbanation is a torturous process usually only done by the strongest of men or better known as "alpha-males". Some say that this process is even more painful than trying to learn how to use chopsticks. In this modern era, exturbanation is the 3rd most talked about topic in the world, only behind "ape nudity" and "underwater cockroaches."

The reason I'm writing this is because today i met an old friend of mine, he asked me why did i do it. I hesitated for an answer.....its just one of those question where you don't know what should you reply...just like "Does chicken beriyani have chicken in it?" or "If superman fights with a flying fishball who will win?"

Just like every other thing in this world, there's a tragic story behind this as well...it goes like this..

It happened a looong looong time ago when i was still a cute (well i still am) chubby and charming young boy. My parents had to go for a two hour important business trip to Djibouti (no, this is not the broken up road filled with pot-holes opposite my neighbours house) for helping a old village farmer make a 5-star-hotel (Malaysian standard) in the ten foot land that he owned. So it was only me and my 85 year old grandmother at home. My grandmother was just like any other grandmother in the world, she was a women, she had a mohawk, she enjoyed heavy metal songs. Everyone has an addiction to something, my grandmother's was high-speed rollercoasters.

There was a funfair about 500 meters away from my house and my grandmother was ecstatic as the worlds fastest rollercoaster (made in Malaysia) was just launched. She just had to go, so she gave me to drink a small (two litre) bottle of tequila to drink hoping it will knock me out and make me sleep, and so she left. Her plan backfired, i wasn't sleepy, instead i felt hyperactive. So active that i decided to ride my fathers tricycle outside into the streets.

Before i knew it, i was on the "Federal Highway" doing double backflips and summersaults with my newly found hobby. I came to a traffic light where i had to stop. A few seconds later a Ferari Enzo halted beside me. The anorexic hippopotamus in the Ferari gave me a sign signalling me for a face-off. It was a challenge i couldn't refuse. It was my long time dream and goal to be racing with a hippo on the highway. The light turned green and we zoomed forward. Not surprisingly, i was well ahead of it as i couldn't see it "anywhere close" to me. I was so focused on the challenge that i was unaware of anything else besides the road itself. Turns out that there was a fly-over just ahead of me which read (1.5m) in height. Since i was 1.85m because of my ostrich-like neck, my head smashed through the fly-over and caused it to collapse. It was the worst man-caused disaster in history of "fly-over smashing"......I knocked out......

The next thing i knew was that i was lying on the hospital bed being treated by scientists and historians. I managed to glance at a mirror beside one of those "ant-eaters" that they rare in the hospital. And there it was.....my Turban was gone...for good......i was feeling "light-headed", i was turban-less, i was.......exturbanated.....

I was in hospital requiring medical treatment in the ICU for 2 weeks. I needed to attend rehab for 6 months to regain back my head-spinning ability (usually used when someone asks me if i want to eat muruku)....i accepted my fate as an exturbanator, i figured it was just in my "turban-line" (yes we turbanators have an extra line on the palm).......

6 months later i returned home and just 3 minutes after i had returned, my parents came back too (i didn bother asking them why was their 2 hours so long, i just figured it must have been the time difference as we were in different time zones)......they always said i looked different since they came, but they just couldn't tell which part of me was different. They had three guesses and those three guesses were:
1) Is it your blue glasses?
2) Have you been working out?
3) Did you turn responsible and decide to brush your teeth today?

It came to a point that i had to check my birth certificate and my parents identification cards to make sure they were not alien ducks from outer space trying to manipulate minds of mankind to make crabby patties to feed the beings in their planet....In the end i decided to burst the bubble and tell them. Fortunately, my parents accepted it relatively well....all they did was burn the house down and tell the neighbours that i was gay.....they gave me RM 1.50 to buy myself a "Rawa Tosai" and a glass of "Milo Ice tanpa Milo"and kicked me out of the house. (As if there was one left)

Signing off.....

HeartbrakE

1 year ago i broke up with my ex-boyfriend (A sheep) because of irreconcilable differences. I was crushed, my whole world fell apart and my heart broke exactly like how cabbage is cut by my grandmother when she takes a can of Red Bull (RM 2.80 at Asia Cafe, isn't it abit too expensive). Anyway as i was saying, i became depressed and considered suicide to be the only solution to my problems.....i cried and weeped, everytime i thought about that sheep, as it was the "Pupil of my eye", the "Origin of my lie", the "Pineapple of my Aloha Chicken pizza from Dominoes" (btw i heard that there is special offer right now, call 1-300-88-8333 to get yours now!!)

A couple of days after the break-up i decided enough was enough, i was sick of this sorrowful and unfair life, i decided to kill myself by using the most considered way (among humans) to commit suicide in the world, which was "to eat red chilli's non-stop until smoke comes out through the ears and finally the person's ears will explode into confetti and will die"....part of the reason i chose this way to end my life is because while i am dying, i can actually play the song "This Is Why Im Hot by MIMs"....and also because my house ran out of tomatoes, so chili's were not an option....

My parents found out my objective somehow, don't ask me how, it was only on CNN and BBC and also in Al-Jazeera...i think.....so my parents carried out their duty and tried to convince me to stay on, telling me how much they will miss my "style, quality, excellence" (Dunhill) if i left...
In the end i gave in because they agreed to buy for me a new G2 Pilot pen (Something people can only dream and fantasize of) if i lived on....

They told me "relationships will always make and break, but an indians head must never stop to shake"....they also said that someone else will come into my life, i just had to stay patient. They decided to send me to work in a poultry farm to past my time during the holidays and true enough, i met someone who shared alot of similarities with me, it was the most good looking thing ever seen, it had a wonderful personality, it was...a chicken.

I decided to giv it a "pet" name, and name it "My chick". I felt very comfortable with it, i would always share my problems with it and even if i get angry and scold it, it would never talk back....i was shocked to learn that even "My chick" love to talk "Cock" (hahaha get it? cock=cockeral....nvm..zzz) just like me.....what can i say.....there was just this chemistry between us that no one could explain...

One day, my ex-sheepfriend spotted us having earthworms for lunch in some korean restaurant....the followong day i received a call from it asking me to get back together again.....i declined and told it i couldnt be any happier with my current relationship....it accepted but asked me to just meet up 1 more time before it left for being a "sheepburger".....i had to agree...

During our meeting, "My Chick" caught us together and though i was cheating on it, so it decided to suicide........because it wasn't an indian but a chicken, i couldn't tell it "relationships will always make and break, but an indians head must never stop to shake".....rather, i told it " A chicken can live on without its head, so go ahead, go to bed"....i didn noe what did i say wrong as "My Chick" really killed itself....it was just meant to be i guess.....it died, i lived on, end of story....

Signing off......

EviL

5 Hours ago, i went to the "Hello Doggy" shop to buy some household appliances, unfortunately, i met someone i despised, in other words, the last person i would want to bum into, my Japanese evil twin brother, JasONION.......

JasOnion, or Onion as i prefer to call him was evil since the day he was born, and he has a very rational reason behind it, which is, he was unfortunate to be borned 21seconds after me.....from that day, or second, he had set 1 objective and 1 objective only, actually it was 2: " (1) To destroy the existance of me AND to (2) eat Cheese Naan with Tandoori chicken"

So, after we bumped into each other we had a long long loooooooooooooong (approximately 0.34seconds) stare down each other as we were trying to intimidate each other with our presence.....everyone (The owner alone) in the shop saw us and knew something really bad was gonna happen but it was too late, he was unable to change fate and destiny, all he did was grab his Jamaican phone directory and made a call to one of the babysitters there to come and manage us....that was everything in his ability, the meeting between me and my brother, it was just meant to be...

After our "long" stare, Onion placed his right hand in his pocket and took out a performance-enhancing drug named "Hacks"(sweet), i realised earlier he was trying to shake me with fear with his Japanese speaking ablity (coughing), at least i thought it was japanese..i didn get a word of it...except for "uhh uhh" , i figured he was listening to that song called "who let the dogs out?"

Realizing his strength had infinately increased after the drug, he made use of his advantage and took the 1st move.....he used his "french-fry-like" pinky (last finger) and push me with all his brute force (the force needed to carry a piece of paper and put it into the Panasonic refrigerator)....i am usually very calm and patient but this had hurt me more than the time "when i was sitting in a room and some random dude said hi", i got pissed...i pushed him back but i used 2, yes yes 2! pinky's, he asked for his own funeral.....this went on for a short while (1 hour 25 mins) when we both got tired and came up with a decision to settle it like REAL MEN..
what better way than to play "monopoly"...

We started playing, and without even realising it, 1 hour had just flewn by, and i was owning him at the game......he couldn't admit defeat and so he took the "Mayfair" card that i had and threw it on the ground.....tht was the last straw......i made a call to his worst nemesis, his biggest threat, our mum....he got so embarassed and so he commited suicide, everyone lived happily ever after...

Signing off.......

FaT AsS (Random Shit at 4am in the morning)--Drop it like its hot-Snoop Dogg parody

When you thought u saw a ghost

Act it like it's god, Act it like it's god, Act it like it's god

When the ducks try to quack at you

Tell them the weather is hot, Tell them the weather is hot, Tell them the weather is hot

And if your father asks what genre is Britney spears in

Tell him that its rock, Tell him that its rock, Tell him that its rock

I got a strain on my arm as i broke my thumb

And couldn't find UHU glue so i had to use gum

Uh! I'm a nice dude, with some nice dreams

Saw that fat dude eating ice creams?

12 pigs and 23 goats, where's the other 5 dragonflies that you showed?

The Fat Ass, exterior like meat loaf, the interior like an oily Toshiba gas stove,

I can excercise you, this can be your plan for 1 week,

I might sound like a mad man, but that's how i speak,

I know dietitions in the street, With the steel that'll make you feel like Brad Pitt is your feet

So don't try to run up on my ear asking for a banana pie,

Trying to ask me for naked guy,

If u go thin you aint gonna die,

You should think about it, take a second,

Matter fact, you should start eating an ant, and think about every fart that you've spent.......

DissapointmenT-Never Too Late-Three Days Grace Parody

On the day before today, i was at a fast food restaurant ordering some food. To my dissapointment, the food i order was waaaaay below par, it was completely RUBBISH.....so i dedicated this song to the food i never got...

This burger will never be
What I wanted
And if It isn't chicken
Who would have guessed it
I will eat alone
Every burger that I was shown
To make me feel like
I was not scammed I was never scammed
Even if they say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to get your fries
Now and again we try
To just stay in line
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause i was not scammed I was never scammed....

No one will ever see
The sauce inserted
And if it was not chili sauce
Who would have guessed it
And I have ate alone
Every sauce that was thrown
To make me feel like
I was not scammed I was never scammed
Even if they say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to have your spice
Now and again we try
To just seek advice
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause i was not scammed I was never scammed.....

Signing off...

VacatioN

Yesterday i went to Mauritius for a vacation, so I was walking along the coast of the beach of Mauritius with my "chicks" when suddenly i saw a huge 700-foot high wave was heading directly to us, it was approximately 27.86 centimeters away from us..........i knew i had to do something to protect my chicks, so just den i remembered wad i had learned previously so i put my mind into matter.....first i organized a plan, i drew an escape plan after i found the mahjong paper i found on the "Bumiputra Bank ATM machine" (wonder which dumbass will leave such a precious thing on the ATM), so after i drew the diagram i divided my chicks into groups of 3 to have an appropriate discussion and also gave dem each a topic to study.....so after the discussion, i decided to give dem gurls a quiz on the topic ive given.........so later on i gave dem an assignment regarding the other groups topics just to test whether they were paying attention or not......finally i made them do research notes regarding the situation and also made them cite their work carefully such as using it in a correct format...


So approximately 2 seconds later since i saw the wave initially, the wave finally gushed towards us, i was well prepared as i used scientific management, administrative principles and bereaucratic organizational studies to chose the perfect plan, so i applied it.....when the wave hit us i used my GUNZ(right bicept) & ROSES(left bicept) and held them to the ground all the time as if Jessica Simpson was preventing her dog from eating her mozarella cheese sticks even though it pee'd outside the house toilet without using an Arsenal Football Club jersey (duno what has it got to do wif tis but dere it goes)...so as i was saying, i held them all down and in the end oni ALL of my chick's bodies survived the massacre but lost all their heads....

Signing off....

ParanormaL

I had an extraordinary experience whilst at home today...
It was the sound of the stroke of midnight by my Great-Grandfather clock......i was at home alone as my cousin and his wife had gone out for grocery-shopping.......i kept myself busy by studying CalCRAPulous since my exam for that subject was on friday, i was never a fan or light of maths but it was the onli test left before i obtained my pHd in Crappanology....

I felt an extreme thirst down my throat so dry as if there were 2 Yemen-ese people pulling Vespa skooters in the Sahara Desert while speaking jibbrish in my mouth.....and therefore i got up for a can of Anything (Its a soft-drink name, u can get urs from 7-11 at just RM 1.90, while stocks last and batteries not included)....before i left i left my book wide open on the RM3400 sofa set (U can get the same 1 from Sen-Q, feel it, test it..), btw its a hard cover text book that can only be closed once opened using a 30-pound jackhammer.....

So as i was saying, i grabbed my can of Anything and came bak to my the living room to continue my "study", and unbelievably my book was closed! The worst part was i didn even noe which page i left it on........at first i tot it rationally, thinking it might just becaused by the 250km/h tornado in my backyard....but just then.....i saw a dark figure zoomed passed my kitchen hallway at the speed of light (Btw that is 3x10 to the power of 8)......my heart nearly pulled out from my body as if it was another occurance of the HIROSHIMA bombing........the suspence was killing me so i HAD to go and check it out.....i walked slowly but surely and also stealthly and with complete silence towards the hallway....

I turned to my left and there was no1 there, then i moved on towards my right and THERE.....there it was.......my purple coloured-siamese pet iguana named Rufus.........


CONCLUSION=Boredom kills
Signing off...

Oh It Hurts......

I cant take it anymore...the pain.......ohhhh the suffering..........why does this always happen to us......
Oh god pls make it stop.....why do you make children suffer?....Why must you giv us such a emotionless, robotic-speaking, wannabe-in-weight-lifting, make-the-class-so-boring, just-another-dumb-blonde DATA MANAGEMENT lecturer..the great "SEAN LeCONTE"..oh the boredom just kills me bit by bit...All i have to say is: "where is the love"

LeConte teaching students sleeping...
Students sleeping you hear them snoring...
Can you practice how will you teach..
Would you cancel the the class for 1 week?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause LeConte got me got me questioning
Where is the love?.......Where is the love??


I feel the weight of the textbook on my shoulder
As I'm getting older y'all lecturers getting colder
Most of us only care about spending and enjoying.
Overall average got us followin the wrong direction.
Wrong information always thrown in the cafeteria.
Negative images is the main criteria.
Infecting their young minds faster than bacteria.
Kids wanna act like what they dun see in the SATRIA.(car)
Whatever happened to the values of humanity?
Whatever happened to the Taylors guarantee?
Instead of teaching right, he is blocking the light.
Lack of understanding, leading us away from reaching the kite.(goals)
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling under.
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling down.
It's no wonder why sometimes I'm feeling under.
I gotta keep my faith alive, until entertainment is found.