ExTurbanatioN

Exturbanation refers to a process when someone with a TURBAN (aka bluetooth/wifi/satellite/compass/any type of ball u want/tomato/compass/onion/etc) loses his (usually men) turban into the oblivion. In other words, a turbanator become into an exturbanator. Exturbanation is a torturous process usually only done by the strongest of men or better known as "alpha-males". Some say that this process is even more painful than trying to learn how to use chopsticks. In this modern era, exturbanation is the 3rd most talked about topic in the world, only behind "ape nudity" and "underwater cockroaches."

The reason I'm writing this is because today i met an old friend of mine, he asked me why did i do it. I hesitated for an answer.....its just one of those question where you don't know what should you reply...just like "Does chicken beriyani have chicken in it?" or "If superman fights with a flying fishball who will win?"

Just like every other thing in this world, there's a tragic story behind this as well...it goes like this..

It happened a looong looong time ago when i was still a cute (well i still am) chubby and charming young boy. My parents had to go for a two hour important business trip to Djibouti (no, this is not the broken up road filled with pot-holes opposite my neighbours house) for helping a old village farmer make a 5-star-hotel (Malaysian standard) in the ten foot land that he owned. So it was only me and my 85 year old grandmother at home. My grandmother was just like any other grandmother in the world, she was a women, she had a mohawk, she enjoyed heavy metal songs. Everyone has an addiction to something, my grandmother's was high-speed rollercoasters.

There was a funfair about 500 meters away from my house and my grandmother was ecstatic as the worlds fastest rollercoaster (made in Malaysia) was just launched. She just had to go, so she gave me to drink a small (two litre) bottle of tequila to drink hoping it will knock me out and make me sleep, and so she left. Her plan backfired, i wasn't sleepy, instead i felt hyperactive. So active that i decided to ride my fathers tricycle outside into the streets.

Before i knew it, i was on the "Federal Highway" doing double backflips and summersaults with my newly found hobby. I came to a traffic light where i had to stop. A few seconds later a Ferari Enzo halted beside me. The anorexic hippopotamus in the Ferari gave me a sign signalling me for a face-off. It was a challenge i couldn't refuse. It was my long time dream and goal to be racing with a hippo on the highway. The light turned green and we zoomed forward. Not surprisingly, i was well ahead of it as i couldn't see it "anywhere close" to me. I was so focused on the challenge that i was unaware of anything else besides the road itself. Turns out that there was a fly-over just ahead of me which read (1.5m) in height. Since i was 1.85m because of my ostrich-like neck, my head smashed through the fly-over and caused it to collapse. It was the worst man-caused disaster in history of "fly-over smashing"......I knocked out......

The next thing i knew was that i was lying on the hospital bed being treated by scientists and historians. I managed to glance at a mirror beside one of those "ant-eaters" that they rare in the hospital. And there it was.....my Turban was gone...for good......i was feeling "light-headed", i was turban-less, i was.......exturbanated.....

I was in hospital requiring medical treatment in the ICU for 2 weeks. I needed to attend rehab for 6 months to regain back my head-spinning ability (usually used when someone asks me if i want to eat muruku)....i accepted my fate as an exturbanator, i figured it was just in my "turban-line" (yes we turbanators have an extra line on the palm).......

6 months later i returned home and just 3 minutes after i had returned, my parents came back too (i didn bother asking them why was their 2 hours so long, i just figured it must have been the time difference as we were in different time zones)......they always said i looked different since they came, but they just couldn't tell which part of me was different. They had three guesses and those three guesses were:
1) Is it your blue glasses?
2) Have you been working out?
3) Did you turn responsible and decide to brush your teeth today?

It came to a point that i had to check my birth certificate and my parents identification cards to make sure they were not alien ducks from outer space trying to manipulate minds of mankind to make crabby patties to feed the beings in their planet....In the end i decided to burst the bubble and tell them. Fortunately, my parents accepted it relatively well....all they did was burn the house down and tell the neighbours that i was gay.....they gave me RM 1.50 to buy myself a "Rawa Tosai" and a glass of "Milo Ice tanpa Milo"and kicked me out of the house. (As if there was one left)

Signing off.....