AlienS

Last night....the most unbelievable thing happened to me (yes yes even more unbelievable than the time i made a joke and no one laughed).......i was abducted.....but i was not abducted by just some random nasi lemak seller or some Arabian mechanic who found out that the reason his child ran away from home was not because of the DEC 26 Tsunami, rather it was because he used cowdung mixed with chocolate syrup as his underarm spray as he was prejudiced against most sprays especially after the "Gatsby mohawk commercial"........i was abducted by ALIENS......

After hearing this, I know most of you'll would be full of tears and thinking in your heads "Owh why god? Why...didn't you take me instead of Jas.....why can't you leave that poor soul alone after all he's been through"...........all wishing at this moment that I'm safe and sound especially after you'll heard over the news about "How it was alien orangutans fault not Osama Bin Laden's fault of crashing the planes into the World Trade Center on 9-11" and also "Obama is a hyper-mutated alien that has been created for a mission to act like he cares about The United States Of America when the main priority is to make the USA a beer producing source to COLGATE (name of the alien planet as Mars was too commonly known as the name of a chocolate)"

Well if this is how you think about aliens then I'm here NOT to correct you.......aliens are the 3rd most "understood" beings in the universe only after SASH-quatch's and Siberian Unicorns.......anyway lemme tell you'll my "much awaited" story first....

It was a dark and windy night, the storm was "thunder-ous" and the rain was falling like "bats and cows".....i was "carrying out research" on the three hundred thousand different types of "stoning" postures........then out of the blue i heard a loud THUMP above my head and started to feel raindrops on my skin.......the hair (on my arms and legs) was soaking wet.....and stylish....so i took advantage of the opportunity and used my cheap hand phone to grab a picture of myself and posted it on the "Pantene" and "Rejoice" website as they were looking for "female" hair models and they don't come harrier than King Kong himself......

So after that i looked up and saw this "gigantic flying sausage" a.k.a UFO (Unsuckable Flying Object).......its was a rare scene, it only occurs once in a "purple" moon (blue is rare, but purple is....), It even had my picture on top of it........this was one of the two reason that made me think that my dad had bought me an "imported car" for me......the other reason was that my birthday had just passed (3 months ago)........so i jumped in joy and excitement.....i later found out that my jumping was the cause of the 6.5 magnitude earthquake in Italy.......

The aliens detected my activity and "sucked me up into their hole (spaceship)"......i knocked out and the next thing i knew....i was tied from head to toe......i tried searching for other victims just like me but i couldn't see anyone....i glanced at my shirt and saw a number on it...it was 349......just then.....someone or rather something entered the room........this was the first time I've came across and met face to face with an alien......it looked exactly like us humans, it had 3 eyes, no nose and teeth made out of blueberries........it introduced itself as "Big Nose".......i enquired the reason of my capture and and it told me that i was captured to spit out the secret formula of the ever-so-famous "capati" as they wanted to modify their "flying sausage" into a "flying capati" as capati had less resistance and a more streamlined body....reducing friction......It referred to me as "subject 349" (i wonder why? o.O)....... i knew if i had given them the formula, they would have turned me into a sausage and eaten me anyways..so i thought of a plan while searching for objects that will allow me to escape....then i realised that the stuff used to tie me up was Jelly.......i started biting my way outta it and Big Nose started feeling insecure and threatened.......it hit the "panic button on its forehead"......hundreds of similar looking beings started storming into the room......fortunately "Chow Yunn Fart" came, he farted his way to my help after getting direct orders from "William Hung" who worked in the secret service......Chow released his most-valuable-farts through "Fart Fu"(the real reason he was paid to act) which suffocated the aliens to near-death......the aliens couldn't take it anymore so they released both of us and flew off.......

I made it down safely but unfortunately Chow didn't...he ran out of farts as all the Char Kuey Teow in his body was used up.......i went back home and continued my stoning......but one thing couldn't get off my mind.......where was everyone else when this occurred? I switched on my TV to find out.....i flipped the channel to animal planet and got my answer........It turned out most people died after eating the Canadian Pizza's i served during the Hear Us Out 2 conference yesterday, and the ones that didn't attend just died...of boredom.....

Signing off.........